The SSSS....

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Ask A ____ : Advice From NCog001, Someone Who Knows

Monday, July 23, 2007

Or what happens when due to increased business Sticky is unable to fill a slot in her lineup. Seriously, this last week has brought a windfall of activity and we will return to our regularly scheduled programs as soon I surface this capsize that is called life.

Anyhoo, last night I was watching quite the delightful program on YouTube and was treated to an uplifting and fulfilling discussion about bi-polar disorder. No this is not a cry out for help but instead a story of my youth, for you see when I was a child (before I put away childish things for permanent) I adopted quite the unusual affliction of involuntary word replacement.

Now, when I tell you this I must stress that it is in no way trying to make light of bi-polarism because it's quite the serious disease, but rather a fun story about words and the world around us.

For a very long time, when I heard the word bi-polar, I immediately thought of the word bicostal, which is mostly slang for those who inhabit two coasts whether it be Londor/NY, or NY/LA or what have you and it was usually due to work or vast riches. Soon however, it began to take on a definition of being synonymous with bisexuality "living on both coasts" you see. Yes, extremely clever I know.

So one day I was driving around with the my friend who was telling the story of her bipolar sister,

"Oh my God she's insane. She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president or ending world hunger and then she completely bails on them and cries in a corner for days. Then she'll take her meds for a while and be fine, but as soon as she gets off of them she's right back to being crazy, and our mom is bipolar too so it makes my life miserable."

Now, as a tale of the throes of manic depression this is quite a sadly usual tale, however, as in the mind of someone who has equated bi-polar with bi-costal and bisexual, it's quite harrowing indeed!

"She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president and ending world hunger..."

Liking girls makes you want to be president? I thought inwardly (thankfully) as my friend continued her tale.

"She would completely bail on them and then cry in the corner for days!"

Well I would cry too if I had aspirations for presidency and they just fell out from under me. Like, not only could I not be president, but I would also be gay. Like, I'd have the chance to be the first gay president, and it would just be gone. Like, I get why this entire thing is weird, but why would crying about it be any weirder?

"She'll take her meds for a while..."

Lesbianism requires meds?

"But as soon as she's off them she's right back to being crazy!"

Perhaps the medicine is because she's naturally crazy, but what does that have to do with her being gay?

"Our mom is bi-polar too..."

Still? Does their dad know she's sleeping around with women? Her mom never seemed like the kind of woman that would sleep around, but maybe if they have an arrangement of some sort...

And I thought this for the next two years until someone else started to tell of their experiences with bi-polar disorder and actually went to the lengths to explain it. I never admitted to either of them I had no idea what they were talking about, but it's a story I've carried with me forever.
So remember children, ask questions, but never make assumptions, or you might end up telling your friend not to be so hard on her experimenting sister who fancies both genders.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming very soon.

Friday, July 20, 2007

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In Case You Missed It: Week 2

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Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad - What's In A Mane? Pt. 2

Last time on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad, we followed Shareice to work and saw what happened when we did her hair in a way that was different from the norm yet fitting with some of the stereotypes and biases that face African Americans on a daily basis. The next day we dressed Shareice in her normal business attire, but this time fitted her with a glorious black power Afro. It spanned two feet and was rounder than Mother Earth itself. Shareice does one simple reshaping before heading into the office building. The change is instantly noticeable.

8AM: Shareice walks into the building where several of the African American associates were sleeping on blankets on the lower level. An overseer sits in the corner napping with a walky-talky in his belt. Shareice grabs the walky-talky, finds the nearest desk and stands upon it.

Shareice: ATTENTION AFRO AMERICAN ASSOCIATES OF WENTWORTH MILLER!

The associates on the ground floor wake up with a start. Shareice looks up and sees other associates peering tentatively over the railings above. They see her powerfulness and begin to join together.

Shareice: CHANGE! Is coming. UNGAWA!!!!!!

Afro American Associates: UNGAWA!!!

The contingent stands up and rids themselves of their oppressive clothing trading it instead for designer suites, Kente cloth, and glorious hair. The overseer wakes up and notices the disturbance. He reaches for his walky-talky and frowns in dismay as he realizes it's gone. Shareice holds it high in the air and smiles proudly.

Shareice: You lookin' for THIS boss?!

She turns the radio to all frequencies and delivers a message to the higher-ups.

Shareice: REVOLUTION IS UPON YOU! YOU WILL BOW DOWN! RISE UP AFRIKAN PEOPLES, RISE UP AND TAKE WHAT IS YOURS! Now, where are my messages?

Rachelle: Right here soul sister! You have a meeting with that jive honky Mr. Johnson in an hour.

Shareice: Thank you Sister Rachelle, power to the people.

Rachelle: Right on!

Shareice makes her way to the elevator and is met by Paul who has a cup of coffee for her.

Paul: I know you take it black, just like me.

They board the elevator which stops as normal on the 15th floor. John is standing there looking dejected. Out of Shareice's sight we see a group of black men on either side of the elevator watching in a menacing manner.

John: Shareice hi!

He runs on the elevator making sure not to muss the Afro.

John: Soo.. what was all the business yesterday? Ahem, umm.. it was pretty crazy, huh? You know I'm not usually so-

Shareice: Funny John, I don't remember telling you to speak.

John: Ma'm, yes ma'm!

9AM: Shareice goes to her office to prepare for the meeting with John. She comes out later and goes to the mailcenter to make copies. She runs into Carole.

Shareice: Good morning Carole.

Carole: Hmph, some morning, it seems something has gotten into the water.

Shareice: Oh really? How do you mean?

Carole: Well for one thing, you have different hair again.

Shareice: I'm sure I don't look like a Stephanie today.

Carole: No, but I prefer it.

Shareice: Then you also prefer my foot up your whitey ass and you'll get that preference if you call me out my name again White Devil!

Carole: BRING IT ON! You think this changes anything girl? You think just because you come sporting some Afro it makes anything different? I OWN YOU!

Shareice: Oh hayle naw she didn't! AHHH!!!

Shareice rushes Carole slamming her into the north wall. Carole karate chops her in the back and sends her flying across the room. Shareice recovers before hitting the ground and tumbles into an expert back hand stand inverted lotus kick.

Shareice: My people have suffered in this place long enough. That ends today.

Carole: You are nothing and your people are even less. You gave us the reigns yesterday, and today we will tighten them!

Shareice: Yeawwww!

Shareice roundhouse kicks Carole to the gut and plants her on the ground.

Shareice: Now you listen woman. You had your time to shine, but today is a day for reawakening. Today is about the future, and that future is BLACK! Now what's my name?

Carole: Your name is Ste-

Shareice: MY NAME IS WHAT?!

Carole: Shareice! Your name is Shareice.

Shareice gives Carole a final headbutt knocking her unconscious.

Shareice: And don't you forget it bitch.

She grabs her stack of reports and leaves the room to finish readying for her meeting.

10AM: Shareice walks into the office of Irv Johnson ready for the follow-up meeting from yesterday's contract signings. Irv has his back to her and is rustling through some papers in a file cabinet across the room.

Shareice: Good morning Irv.

Irv: Damnit Stephanie, it's Mast-

Irv turns around to see an angry black woman in an Afro that only seems to be growing larger.

Shareice: Irving I have known you for more than seven years. I was there when your first child was born. Now I don't know what the hell got into you, but that ends today. My name is Shareice, and you will congratulate me on the fine work I did to commandeer that contract yesterday. And you will do it now before I beat you down.

Irv: Ma'm yes ma'm! Shareice ma'm, congratulations on the work you did to bring us the account. You will be duly compensated in your next check!

Shareice: Good, thank you Irving.

Irv: Permission to be frank, ma'm?

Shareice: Permission granted.

Irv: You look so regal and beautiful, I was wondering if perhaps you might want some milk in your coffee today?

Shareice: Irving!

Irv: I love you Ms. Shareice!

Shareice: Irving we're going to close up these contracts and delegate their maintenance tasks to the responsible parties and we'll never speak of this again!

Irv: It's because I'm white isn't it?

Shareice: Irv what did I just say!?

Irv: Yes ma'm, business only ma'm!

12PM: After the meeting Shareice remembers to go to legal to check on Melvin. She boards the elevator where she sees John is now acting as operator.

John: Which floor my Ebony Goddess?

Shareice: Take me to legal please.

John: With pleasure Mistress Moore.

Shareice arrives and notices that Melvin's office is no longer a windowless room in the back, but instead the coveted corner office with views of the growing city.

Melvin: Shareice, welcome, come in and talk with me!

Shareice enters the office to see the man who acted originally as overseer was no shining Melvin's shoes.

Shareice: Well Melvin, I see a lot has changed up here.

Melvin: It certainly has Shareice, let's talk. You may go Johnson.

Johnson: Yes sir, thank you, it was an honor adding brilliance to your footwear.

Melvin: That's enough William.

William leaves the room as Melvin points to a straw chair with a wide peacock style back and a red velvet cushion.

Melvin: Have a seat dear.

Shareice: Melvin, when I started this experiment I had no idea what reactions would occur, but I certainly wasn't ready for the way a simple hairstyle effected everyone so much.

Melvin: The effects on the white people were important Shareice, but what was even more surprising, especially to myself were the response from your fellow colleagues of color. I find when people are forced to fend for their lives, they will instinctually split into the contingent that fights, and the contingent that goes along with the flow hoping for a natural change.

The wounds of slavery are deep in this country and penetrate not just the hearts, but also the minds and souls of those effected by it. Yesterday was nothing compared to the centuries our people have suffered. It was so easy to regress back into those old methods, but I'm glad to see it was easier to come out when given a leader.

Shareice: It was so hard though Melvin. When Carole called me Stephanie it was as if my whole sense of identity flew out the window. My entire morale came crashing down over something so simple. I've worked so hard to get where I am, always with the issue of my race just on the inside of my peripheral vision. I lost sight of it and assumed that now these people will accept me because of the wonderful work I've done. It only took one day for them to see me differently and respond in a negative manner! It's completely unfair.

Melvin: It is unfair, but right now that's life. As a woman, as an African American, and specifically as an African American woman it is up to you to cultivate and cater your own sense of self worth, because no one else is going to do it for you. It's going to be hard, but until times change you have to be strong and confident and not allow anyone to redefine or take away who you are.

Shareice: That's easier said than done Melvin.

Melvin: But it can be done Shareice, it must. Now you and I need to clean up this mess. Yesterday was one extreme and today was quite the other. I suggest we get together and bring this office to a compromise we can all live with.

Shareice: I agree. Thank you Melvin.

Shareice and Melvin spend the rest of day putting discrimination and harassment stipulations into the company's mission statement. They hold workshops on diversity and really get the co-workers not only to open up about their grievances, but put plans into action of how to satiate those concerns.

We will check back with Shareice at the end of our journey, but first we must go to another location to test another type of discrimination.

Thom Jones (and yes, he's heard it before) is a young homosexual man that happens to be very flamboyant. We will place him in an office environment with Steven Thompson who is also homosexual but much more introverted. How will the two of them together effect their environment and what kind of challenges will they face separately and together?

Find out next time on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad.

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Culture Clash: Tales From the Couch f. CerebralShrike

Thursday, July 19, 2007

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Ask A ____ : Advice From TheGirlIsCrazy, Someone Who Knows

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

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Sick....

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Where's Down Low?

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

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Haiku Tuesdays With Brett

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Ask A ____ : Advice From Desdemona the Diva, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy
protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: Desdemona, the Diva

Mix a little red tongue with a penchant for truth-telling and vodka in equal parts, shake, serve ice cold and you would have the diva known as Desdemona. Your friends lie to you, your parents don't want to hurt your feelings and haters take too much joy in killing your delusions.

Desdemona isn't a friend, family member or hater. She's a lover – of common sense and grown folk who act grown. Should you fall short on either of those she's here to tell you what no one else will, out of love.

Sure, love burns sometimes but it just makes the afterglow all the more sweeter don't you think? Visit Desdemona's real life altar ego at tressiemc.com or get more of the Double D Diary-style truth telling at her AC home.

Q. Do men ever change? I have a man who says he is going to change for the
better, for his children and myself, but I don't see that happening. I'm taking
care of his two kids and his ex wife's daughter and it seems like they both walk
all over me! Help! What do I do?

Mary Effing Poppins

Dear MEP,

Do men ever change? Sure. They get worse and then they die, all changes in the purest sense of the word.

However, I believe you're asking if YOU can change a man. I like to address such wistful thinking with the following cold, hard, mocha-colored reality: Halle Berry has been beat, cheated on and treated like a sideline ho. Now, if the walking coke-bottle frame with multi-racial beat-off potential and good hair has been unable to "change" a man, what makes you think that a chick working for her next paycheck can do much better?

I say this with love MEP because I am a woman's woman. I love women in the no-I-don't-want-to-rub-vajayjays-with-you kind of way. It is that love of women that makes me want to shake the body waste, lovingly, out of them every time I hear this foolishness.

The real question you should be asking is not do men change or can you change them but why should you have to? Unless you have sewed your love hole shut you hold a position of power in the male-female dynamic. That you have men and even children walking all over you suggests that you have given so much of this power away that you have forgotten it even exists.

That is why I am here – to remind you of who you are. You are a woman. You are the keeper of the hole. You are a human being deserving of respect and happiness and love. I know all of this to be true but it matters naught if you do not.

So, here's my advice MEP. I want you to buy a clean day planner. Then I want you to figure out your hourly rate of pay at the job I'm sure you have because trifling ass men never bamboozle broke chicks. For the next month I want you to record every minute of the day you spend doing for this man and his evil kids. At the end of the month you are to total up the time you have spent caring for this man's needs, multiply it by your hourly rate of pay and add an additional $50 for ever good nut you ever gave him - $100 if you didn't get one too – and arrive at a total.

Then write his ass a bill and a Dear Raheem note.

Men do not change.
Why should they when some woman like you is always willing to settle for him unchanged?

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. My fiancé has just told me he is bisexual. He said that he has never told
anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried all night and I have
many self-esteem problems. He also said that if he were in my shoes he would end
the relationship but he's glad that I haven't. He promises that once we're
married he'll always be true. What should I do?

Desperate for the Down
Low

A. I have really got to get into the minister/justice of the peace business. It's like being Houdini or that freaky white guy who tries to convince me that the work of the devil is "magic". I mean, they say a few words they didn't even write, charge fools $300 a pop and are seen as miracle workers!

And that is what you're thinking will happen isn't it, DDL? A miracle?

Don't feel bad. Lots of women make the same foolish mistake. They have dreamt of those age-old words being uttered to them by some drunken bastard for so long that they have imbued them with a power they never had.

Weddings are not magical DDL. Most of the time they aren't even fun. Black folk don't RSVP, guests show up late, drink too much of the liquor you paid for and tulle itches like a summunabeyotch. At the end of it you'll be tired and broke with appliances you could have brought your own self from Target.

Yep, weddings suck, for the bride most of all – all those failed expectations and such. So why in the world would you think that an event that cannot even manage to entertain drunkards will somehow transform your mate's sexual orientation? If dude likes the hang of a nice salami on the morning of your wedding he's gonna like one even more when the biological thrill of the chase wears off five minutes into your honeymoon. If anything, marriage stands to turn him 100 proof gay. I mean, have you seen yourself with 15 marriage pounds with bedhead and a bad attitude over dirty laundry? Well, when he sees it chances are excellent he'll be having wet dreams about thin, out-of-his-league Sanjaya look-a-likes.

You say your self-esteem is shattered and that he wouldn't blame you for ending your relationship. Somehow I'm thinking he was hoping you'd have just enough esteem to do just that. Now he has to figure out how to meet men on Craigslist between runs to the store for "bread and milk". You are really effin this thing up for everyone.

Fortunately, there is still time for you to redeem yourself and the already dying institution of opposite-sex marriage. Get out now, not because he is bisexual, but because it obviously bothers you and you don't have enough sense of self to protect your own interests.

You do not deserve to get married to anyone, be they straight or gay. Self-esteem is a function of self and marriage is pretty much the antithesis of self. Spend some time with you, on you, for you before you go and trap some poor guy into a life of parking lot blowjobs.

He deserves better. And so do you, you just don't know it yet.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Monday, July 16, 2007

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Assimilation Nation: Tossing the Americ an Salad - What's In a Mane? Pt. 1

Welcome back to Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad.

Once again, I am your conductor on this train to enlightenment, Bruno Sharpei. Our first experiment involves Shareice Moore. Shareice is a small town girl who, due to being raised in the suburbs I assume, experienced covert racism on an astounding level.

Shareice: No one was really open about it, but they would just say things that wouldn't sit right with me. All of my friends were white, even everyone in my church was white, so when I heard something uncomfortable for me racially I wasn't quite sure where to reach out.

Shareice, please give us some examples to better illustrate your point.

Shareice: Well a large one happened when I went to a Cure Revival concert with my friends. I had a lot of people asking whether or not I was in the right place, since it wasn't a Hip Hop concert, or if I was there to add some r&b flare to the thing. There was also some talk of “filling the quota” that I didn't understand so I didn't respond to. The thing was that many of these people felt themselves to be liberal or open-minded and understanding so it was even harder to voice my discomfort, with thought that I may be too “PC”.

Shareice's experiment will involve certain stereotypes that have been placed on her racial community and how that stereotype effects the reactions of those around her and in turn how they affect her.

The title of this Case Study will be “What's In A Mane?” We will take Shareice and dress her in her normal business attire and insert her into a standard day at the office. The difference will be that instead of a bun or bob, her hair will be braided into identical plaits on either side of her head. To add credence to these plaits they will involved her hair in a natural state. Featuring rough, tight curls that when brushed creates rustic waves leading into more puffed plaits. Each with be banded and rolled over at the end.

Now the differences that we've highlighted may seem minor and nearly inconsequential but as we'll see the effects of racism are inherent and though the original responses may seem slight the resulting outcomes have the ability to grow exponentially thus perhaps creating a debilitating sense of worth in our participant.

We'll follow Shareice throughout the day and record the events of said day on an hourly basis.

Scene: Shareice works at Wentworth Miller & Associates in downtown Sioux Falls, SD. She is an accounts representative and holds frequent meetings with executives in associate offices around the city and state. She earns a very good salary and has positive rapport with her coworkers and clients. She's made sure that she falls into the corporate mold and always adopts a “professional” appearance. She goes the extra mile and makes sure that nothing on her person stands out in a negative way by wearing neutral colors and making sure her hair is tame and the same everyday.

Shareice: It's completely different from the way I was in college, but I found that the way I did my hair seemed to affect the way that some reacted to me, so I stopped being creative and started to assimilate. It's worked for me in the office, but I wonder what would happen if I were to push the envelope in one direction. Despite knowing me for so long would my colleagues treat me any differently if they saw me in a different way?

Let's find out Shareice. We'll begin your day, right now.

8AM: Shareice enters into the building in her usual get up but with her hair in the state described above. Immediately the receptionist, who is also African American takes notice.

Rachelle: Hey Shareice! Umm, what's up with the slave hair?

Shareice: Excuse me?

Rachelle: The Miss Celie braids? What's that all about? You know where we work, right?

Shareice: Rachelle I was just trying something new, I hardly think of them as “slave braids” my goodness.

Rachelle: Whatever, here's your messages.

Shareice feels a bit put off but decides to brush the incident away and makes her way into the company elevator. On her way to the 30^th floor they stop to pick up some people on the 15^th. Two of her associates, John & Terrence begin to get on but stop upon seeing her.

John: So, they're taking the elevator now?

Shareice: Yes John, I always take the elevator.

John stares at her coldly and Shareice begins to shrink slightly.

John: We'll wait for the next car.

Shareice: What? Joh-

Shareice is cut off when the door suddenly closes. She turns to her Caucasian suite mate Paul beside her,

Shareice: Paul what's going on today?

Paul winks at her and motions his head to the security cameras in the elevator. He puts his back to the camera and has a pad with a message on it pointed towards Shareice.

“If you need a way out, I can help you. The codeword is MOSES.”

Shareice is bewildered and makes her way quickly out of the elevator.

Paul: So I'll look forward to hearing from you about that proposition Shareice. We ALL will!

9AM: Shareice has been in her office returning calls and leaves to make some copies in the floor's mail center. She is collating her documents when Carole from marketing comes in. Carole is Shareice's superior and they have a congenial yet stilted work relationship.

Shareice: Good morning Carole!

Carole: Good morning Shar! Well look at you, your hair is different! I love it!

Shareice: R-really? Wow, that's great. You know I've only been in the office for a little bit today and I've gotten the oddest-

Carole: Yeah, it reminds me of a little sla- umm, French school girl.

Shareice: Really, because it didn't seem like that's what you were going to-

Carole: It's just precious, really it is! Except you look less like a Shareice and more like a... we'll say Stephanie. Yes, Stephanie.

Shareice: Umm, okay Carole, but there's no reason for that, my name is Shareice and I love my-

Carole: I'm going to call you Stephanie! It will be fun!

Shareice: I would rather you not, mostly because that's not my-

Carole: Look Stephanie, I'm trying to be perfectly reasonable with you-

Shareice: Carole please stop interrupting me! I am trying to tell you-

Carole: When did we get so familiar Stephanie? I think you should call me Mrs. Kowalski. And your insubordinate behavior will not be forgotten in your yearly review.

Shareice: What? My review isn't for another six months, and I've always called you Carole.

Carole: Well Stephanie, things are different now. I think there's something in the air, but the times are changing, and I like it. Get me some coffee and have it in my office in 20 minutes.

Shareice: Wait, you have an assistant for that, Car- Mrs. Kowalski! What's going on today!?

10AM: Shareice has a meeting with a prospective client. It's an important account and she has a preliminary meeting with her supervisors to straighten out the details before the clients arrive.

Irv Johnson (Vice CEO, marketing): Good morning Stephanie, good to see you on time.

Shareice: How.. I mean, sir, you know my name is-

Irv: That's hardly consequential right now Stephanie, I'd like to read over your presentation did you bring it with you?

Shareice: Well of course I did, but you've never proofed any of my documents in the past, why-

Irv: There's always room for change Stephanie, gotta keep your kind on your p's and q's.

Shareice: Why is everyone interrupting me to- wait, “my kind”? What exactly is my kind, sir?

Irv: I'd appreciate it if you not look me in the eye Stephanie, especially not in front of the client. Now normally we would let one of our more acceptable representatives do the presentation, but this firm takes kindly to those of your influence. As long as you're willing to participate we should be able to close the deal with little to no issue.

Shareice: Participate how, sir?

Irv: Oh you know Stephanie, just be pleasing, give them what they want.

Shareice: ...Superior service?

Irv: Whatever you want to call it, Stephanie. I'll let you change into something a little more appropriate. Perhaps something with an apron...

Shareice: Sir! I am NOT changing into-

Irv: I guess it's not necessary, you won't have it on tha-

Joe: Irv the clients are here.

Shareice: WAIT! I won't have what on? What are you talking about Irv?

Irv: The name is Master Johnson Stephanie, and the only reason I'm letting you get away with this lip is because you've been under my service for a while and we've become familiar. You will not pull this sassy crap in front of the client, is that clear? I swear, your kind has pulled some sort of revolution around here, it's time to get you back in line.

Shareice is shocked into silence and unable to respond due to the incoming clients. She carries the presentation off with little to no effect and thinks everything may have settled or been in her head. She begins to carry her head high after the successful meeting and goes to see the lawyers to process the newly signed contracts. She walks to the office of Melvin Brown, an African American colleague that originally suggested the firm to her over seven years ago.

12PM: Shareice walks into Melvin's office and stops dead in her tracks at the site before her. Instead of office furniture there is a lone grinding stone in the middle of the office. There are sickles, hoes, and rakes littered around the room and Melvin is sharpening a blade on the grinding stone when Shareice enters. Over his expensive Armani career wear he is wearing faded torn overalls and a straw hat on his head. Behind him there is a white man previously unknown to Shareice who is chewing a piece of straw and... whistling Dixie.

Shareice: M- Melvin, I was... umm, on my way to lunch, but I wanted to talk to you about-

Melvin: You see I'm busy Steffie, can't talk right now.

Shareice: Melvin what's going on? Who is this man?

Man: Don't matter who I am, what matters is why you ain't brought my beans and rice.

Melvin: What you done Steffie? What you done?

Man: Where're my beans girl?!

Melvin: Run Steffie, run like the wind!

Shareice turns and begins to walk briskly towards the elevator. She passes Carole who is on the phone.

Carole: One is getting away, alert security!

Shareice panics and breaks into a brisk run towards the elevator. As it open she sees John with a potato sack and a devilish grin. She runs away from the elevator.

John: Stephanie wait, come back, I have something I need to- Damnit! Close off the perimeter!

Shareice runs into the supply closet where she sees Paul. She runs to Paul with a pleading in her eyes and he nods.

Paul: What's the password, Shareice?

Shareice: You called me Shareice!

Paul: There's no time, what's the password?!

Shareice: MOSES!

Paul: Let's go.

Shareice was unable to give us the details of her exit because to do so would compromise the integrity of their exit strategy, but we're glad to report she made it out safely though slightly worse for wear.

Shareice: That was enough. I took the rest of the day off, I couldn't. I didn't know what to do, i just couldn't take it anymore.

Though the experiment was ended prematurely I believe that we gathered enough data to adequately fuel our results.

Join us next week on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad we will take Shareice and give her hair in the opposite direction. She will sport a proud indignant Afro and the results of this change and the reactions thereto will be recorded.

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Rejected Show Pitches con...

Friday, July 13, 2007

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In Case You Missed It...

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Pilot - Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad

From coast to coast America seems to be a wonderland of cultural diversity. With Blacks, White, Latinos, Asians, Homosexuals, and everyone in between littering this fantastic country, it appears as a utopia of tolerance and ethnic integration. Unfortunately the so-called "melting pot" of America is boiling over. I, for one, like to think of America as a green salad where each of its sections sit segregated but noticeable in a bread bowl of borders. I feel that a dressing needs to be made to drizzle enlightenment over all of us, uniting us and making us an American entity. The melting pot needs to be over turned and the salad needs to be tossed.

This experiment will hopefully provide the oil base for that vinaigrette of connectivity.

First, perhaps I should introduce myself? I am Dr. Bruno Sharpei, Esq. I have studied human and animal behaviors for more than five years and I feel in that time I have accrued enough knowledge to begin bridging the cultural divide. As the homosexual son of an Afro-latina mother, and an Asio-Italian father, I've had a great deal of difficulty trying to find my natural niche. There are times when I feel more connected to the Afro-American side, and times when the call of the Orient settles heavily on my heart.

I've ran with several groups and each time I've been tested to see how loyal I am to any given cause. If I am black can I rap or write poetry? If I am Italian can I make a pasta sauce that is to die for? If I'm Latino can I dance the Rumba with the best of them and where is my accent?

America is rampant with created culture. Due to slavery and forced integration many people of color, and gays were forced to define for themselves what their culture represents in this country, and many have had their culture defined for them. Stereotypes can be damaging but many times they are also telling and definitive of a group of peoples. When drawing the lines in the sand of what is and what isn't, how do we begin to interpret the characteristics of each group and in turn how do these designations affect those who are a part of that group, but don't necessarily ascribe to these predetermined traits?

In the next few weeks we will take a look at situations where minorities are forced to fall to the polar extremities of their culture's perceived behaviors. We will study how these actions affect not only the minorities themselves, but also the social majority (read: white people) in their situations. Topics ranging from hairstyles to seductive behaviors, flamboyancy to intense pride will cause us to truly observe how our actions speak louder than our words and will hopefully guide us into a better understanding of how to top the American salad with the grated Parmesan of acceptance and understanding.

On the first segment of "Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad" we will look at the issue of hair in the African American culture and how its various styles can cause a great number of things to happen when people assume the cameras are off. Come along with us next Thursday with a thirst for knowledge, and a hunger for the garden.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

[+/-]

Ask A ____ : Advice From Nate Hamilton, Someone Who Knows

Next Up: Nate Hamilton

Blackfolk!

Do you have problems?

Well of course you do!

Well, Nate Hamilton is here to help. Now, full disclosure, Nate Hamilton is
a white guy (although pretty fly he has to admit), but don't let that
put you off. Haven't you always wanted an honest insight into the heads of white people? Sure you can ask your white friends (if you have any), but can you really trust them not to try to spare your feelings? Nate Hamilton is dedicated to helping you, black person, to get the full skinny on how decent, liberal, understanding white folk think about you.

Nate Hamilton can help you out with all the problems you face every second of the day as a black person. He beleives that black people, having to walk around 24/7 as a black person are often too close to their own problems to have a balanced, fully informed vista of their situation. As a white person, and therefore having no investment in any race issues, can provide that
perspective. Additionally Nate Hamilton can bring forth his full experience as a Sociology and Anthropology major, as well as his interest in black culture to bear on the situation. Nate Hamilton knows that black folks often don't or can't read, and therefore can't appreciate the full insight that reading authors like Maya Angelou and Terry Mcmillan, as well as listening to socially conscious rap can provide them as a black person.

Send Nate Hamilton your questions now without delay! Can you really function
as a black person without his insight for much longer?

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q: I've noticed lately that socially my boss treats me differently than the other employees.
Not necessarily during business hours, but during social interactions like office parties and company picnics. He'll say hello to everyone else, but when he sees me he goes "WHASSSSSUPPP GIRL!" and then gives me "dap". Everytime there's karaoke he
insists that I sing, and I can't carry a note in a bucket! When I invited him to my house for dinner to discuss a promotion he came dressed in a short set and brought a basketball for my daughter to play with. He kept reciting very inappropriate rap lyrics and was nearly incredulous when we insisted we didn't know what he was talking about. Who is Young
Jeezy? Why do you suppose he's behaving this way?

What's a shizzle?,

Jan Stokes

A. Dear Jan,

I'm going to assume here that you're black and your boss is white right? It might surprise you to learn that at no point in this letter do you make this clear. When really if you consider that simple fact you'll get one step closer to the answer to this "problem".

Lets deal with your boss first. Sure he sounds kind of overbearing and a little loud (I'm guessing you're the shy type right?) but he's not treating you differently because you're black Jan. He's treating you differently because he's in love with you. Awkwardly trying to strike up
conversations at social gatherings? Trying to get you to sing duets with him at karaoke? Buying presents for your daughter? These are all signs of amour my friend! That he's trying to engage with you on a cultural level only confirms this. Sure, you already have a daughter, but even if you are married, black relationships are statistically more shaky than white relationships, so it's not unreasonable that he might think he's in with a chance.

The "black" talk is only him trying to engage with you on a deeper level. Look at it this way Jan. If there were a hot French girl in the office, then you might try to impress ehr by coming up to her and talking to her in French. Sure your accent and grammar might be a little bit off, but
you'd be making the effort. It's the same when a white person approaches a black person for the first time. He's only trying to connect with you on a cultural level.

Which is where I think the real issue is - your lack of connection with your own culture. You seem to be in constant denial of your blackness. You don't sing? Singing has been an integral part of black culture since slaves invented jazz in the 1930s. You don't play basketball or listen to rap? Those are respectively the sport and music of choice for Black America. You invite this guy over for dinner to discuss a promotion? Well get you Betty Crocker!

It's obvious that you find it embarrassing that this guy understands your own culture better than you do. But instead of responding to this perceived challenge in a positive way - by taking it as a sign that you need to embrace your roots, you choose to respond in a negative way, by
blaming this guy for making you feel socially awkward.

Now obviously I'm being blunt here to get my point across. But the solution here doesn't lie within your boss, it lies within you. Sit down with some black friends and discuss with them what it means to share a skin colour. Buy a Jay-Z cd (I would personally suggest The Blueprint or The Black Album), and listen to the music. Kick back and watch some B-ball on the tv. Buy some Adidas. Do whatever you need to do so that you're comfortable with and understand your culture.

Understand that you don't have to act like a white person to succeed Jan. You're black and beautiful just the way you are.

Nate

PS : Let me know if you get together with your boss. I'm always happy when my advice results in a love connection!

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I am African American and I love doing new things with my hair. Sometimes I'll go to work in braids, sometimes a wig, sometimes weave, and sometimes (but rarely) my natural hair! Now everyone at the office is usually so complimentary, but when I go from having short hair one day to hair down my back the next, they've got to know why, right? I mean, they don't really have to ask about it do they? And why are they always so eager to touch it?

Specially Maned,

Lashondra Jackson

A. Dear Lashondra,

Ah Black Woman's hair. It's both a blessing and a curse isn't it?

On the one hand all you can really do with it in its "natural" state is push it up into an afro, and really that's so 70s isn't it? No 21st century Black Woman wants to walk around looking like Coffy do they?

On the other hand there are a whole range of gels, mousses, weaves, wigs and so on that mean it's really easy as a Black Woman to experiment with your look hair-wise. Every shp n the high street has a whole range of products dedicated to helping you get over the natural disability of having Black Woman hair. What do white girls get? Hair dye.

Now despite walking past these products every day, a lot of white people remain ignoraqnt about the special circumstances surrounding Black Woman hair. Not everyone is as educated in the ways of black culture as I am. So naturally, being women, and therefore interested in haircare and cosmetic appearance (statistically speaking of course, I'm not peddling stereotypes
here - just likelihoods based on the facts) a lot of people around the office will be intrigued by how you're able to perform such magic with your do.

So I say let them touch and investigate and ask questions. It's the only way they'll learn. Who knows, maybe they'll pick up some tips that they can use on their own hair? White people down the ages have forever learnt from the creativity of black people. Just look at Eminem!

In return you'll have an instant source of rapport with your white colleagues. Black Women and white women may be from different social spheres, but all women can bond and form friendships over the things they have in common - having to get gussied up in style for the
patriarchy.

Nate

PS - Maybe you could pop round and help me out with my hair some time?
I'm growing it out for Summer but can't do a thing with it!

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

[+/-]

Pilot - Church Girl Chronicles: Heaven Can Wait

The road to Heaven is littered with forks of lives past lived. That is a personal quote by myself Rodney Johns. Who is Rodney Johns? Me, I am Rodney Johns. I don't feel the need to really provide much of an introduction because you should already know who I am. Though I know the documentary field has been saturated by the likes of Michael Moore and... that guy who ate all the fast food, I find my unique brand of documenting American life is wholly unique and speaks for itself. You may remember me from such documentaries as Pretty Whoa Men!: Transsexual Prostitution on the Rise, On the Down Law: The Rise of the Homosexual Lawyer, and Grabbed by the Balls: The Posh & Bex Unauthorized Biography featuring no live footage, but instead paparazzi still montages. Some called it a cheap ploy, but it was an innovative means around some unexpected barricades.

I haven't won any awards because I refuse to acknowledge the award system. Basically Hollywood only supports those who bow down and I -Rodney Johns- will not be one that bows down to Hollywood. I was all set to take them on when a new project and a cease and desist letter fell into my lap.

Remember being a child, remember having parents, and on certain days they would specifically make you go to church? Well I do, sort of, well, not really that well, but my cousin Stacey knows it very well and she's the one who gave me the idea, so perhaps I'll let her take over?

Stacey: You don't know nothin' cause you a heathen! Full of the devil!

Rodney: Shut up Stacey! I'm a successful director-

Stacey: Whatever, I was just playing with you, dang! Anyhow I go to God is the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness and my Mama has me in church every single second of the day. It almost gets to be like a second home.

Rodney: Show them the Schedule!

Stacey: Oh, okay, here:

Sun: 9am - Sunday School, 11am - Morning Worship, 6pm - YPWW (Young People Willing Workers), 7pm - Evening Service/Communion
Mon: 7pm - Choir Practice
Tue: 6pm - Usher Board Meeting, 7pm - Home & Foreign Mission
Wed: Free day mostly, unless there was a special practice for Youth Day every third Sunday in the month
Thur: 6pm - Sunshine Band rehearsal (little kids), 7pm - Children of the Kingdom rehearsal (juniors), 8pm - Step chain/liturgical dance, etc
Fri: 7pm - Friday Night Service
Sat: 6am - Morning Prayer

Rodney: Dang girl, you was in church all that time- I mean, ahem, that's a lot of time to spend in another place that is not your original home, I'm sure you felt almost a familial kinship with the rest of those awful children.

Stacey: I know, and that's not even counting shut-ins, anniversary planning, midnight musicals, dinners and fundraisers, everything. A lot of people think I'm some goody two shoes because of it, but a lot of folks don't really know what goes down in the life of church kids.

Rodney: This is where I come in.

Stacey: Uh, yeah. Rodney said that he would follow us on a few trips and record them and then really show people what's up.

Rodney: And so I did. I followed them on several church trips, we traveled to Denver, Chicago, and Dallas respectively while I taped every facet of their vacation. There were expected things, and contradictorily there were also surprises.

Stacey: What?

Rodney: Before we embark on our endeavor let's take a moment to meet the people involved.

GitR: COGIC-H:

Stacey

Stacey seems to be the protagonist. (Stacey: Seems?) She's quiet, except when she's trying to get your attention. She's kind of the gel, the Monica if you will (Stacey: Did you just reference Friends? Rodney: You knew the reference so shut it!). She's a good girl but sometimes she gets involved in things she shouldn't (Stacey: Like this? Rodney: Quit playing or I'll tell Aunt Leora! Stacey: You're going to tell on me?).

Calvin

Calvin and Stacey grew up together and went to the same school, they're basically brother and sister. Calvin's little brother is Daniel, they are both the Deacon's sons. Calvin is the oldest but treats all the kids like his best friends. He's a cool guy but sometimes he has a temper.

Daniel

Daniel is a thug whose appeal lies in his personality. He's very light complected and likes to have fun with that at the expense of others (Stacey: It's hilarious). He's a trouble maker and a jokester all in one, which means he gets away with far too much crap.

LeAndrew

LeAndrew is the hunk, and no as a heterosexual documentary director I don't feel uncomfortable saying that (Stacey: What?). He's a strapping young man with mesmerizing eyes (Stacey: Really? You sure about that? Rodney: You're so homophobic. Stacey: You're so homosexu- Rodney: Shut UP! Stacey: You gonna get enough of telling me to shut up!) and a strong personality. He has a hard veneer, but he's actually very sensitive and responds to passion (Stacey: Oh my God!) with a sensitivity all his own. He's very... (Stacey: Sensitive? Wanna use that one again? How about "unique"?) enigmatic and the romantic center to our tale.

LaTonya

LaTonya is the C in Stacey and LeAndrew's A&B conversation. (Stacey: I couldn't stand her back then. Rodney: I thought you two were best friends? Stacey: We had to be because we were the same age, it was convenient. But she kept trying to take my man. Rodney: Trying? Cause I think she did and- Stacey: Yeah, yeah, I know. Rodney: Oh... sorry. Stacey: Whatever, who's next?)

Wynette & William

These are LeAndrew's cousins and Stacey's unintentional arch nemesis. Of sorts I should say. Stacey really doesn't have any issues with either one of them, but their mother always tries to pit them against one another. Usually Stacey comes out ahead, but not necessarily because she's the Mary Sue of this tale, but because- (Stacey: Show don't tell Rodney), well, you'll see.

Rodney: Every trip also includes children from GitR: COGIC-H's sister church Jesus is Also the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness Revival (Stacey: Gotta love it, right?). These kids will be introduced as we go along though there are two very important components which we'll tell you about now.

JiAtR: COGIC-Hr Crew:

Keely

Keely is Stacey's best out of town friend. They grew up together and are basically play cousins. She too had a fling with LeAndrew but Stacey didn't mind because she wasn't feeling him at the time (Stacey: Gotta love being 12 and fickle.). The two have always gotten along.

Jason
Jason is, well Stacey, who is Jason (Stacey: Jason's.. umm. Jason is kind of... It wasn't really that he was the fallback guy, as much as he was the fallback guy (Rodney:... Stacey: Rodney! Rodney: That's cold blooded. Stacey: That don't make it untrue. Don't look at me like that! Rodney: Y'all women is scandalous). Jason is a poor soul indeed.

There are also the adult supervisors, mostly parents and other members coming along for the ride. The most notable appear below.

Adults:

Mother Sims: The church's mother has a penchant for singing old spirituals and praising God. She was the church's babysitter and basically potty trained and disciplined the seed of the congregation (Stacey: Grossness aside, that's true. Mother Sims knew how to make us pick a switch and stop peeing in our pants. She's a very sweet lady. Rodney: She sounds mean. Stacey: I prefer not to remember it that way. Rodney: Why? Did she give PTSD? Stacey: Nope, not her, but the next adult...)

Sis. Campbell: (Rodney: Why are you shivering? Stacey: Sis. Campbell was scary. She was the lady your parents sent you to when you needed to be spanked or taught a lesson, she invoked utter terror. And not the good "when I look back at this in 20 years I'll be thankful" terror, but the "OMG why is she so mean?!" terror. And her kids were mean too!) Well, that's pretty much all you need to know about Sis. Campbell for now.

Aunt Bea

(Stacey: Aunt Bea!) Aunt Bea is Sis. Campbell's aunt and Keely's mother. She was the sunshine to Sis Campbell's storm cloud. She worked closely with the youth and used a more hands on (Stacey: Less crazy and scary and mean) approach when dealing with the kids that they always responded well to.

We will follow this group of travelers and a few others as they travel across the country (Stacey: You have such a way with words Rodney. Rodney: Thank you. Anyhow...) as they embark on umm, holy adventures in odyssey (Stacey: WHAT?) all from the perspective of our protagonist Church Girl (Stacey: That's me!).

Next time on Church Girl Chronicles, Stacey and the crew head to Denver, Co. Stacey conquers her fear of Ferris Wheels, Calvin and Daniel get lost in a mirror maze while Mother Sims prays to get them out, and someone does something scandalous (Rodney: You like that? I think it adds suspense! Stacey: You're an idiot).