Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!
First up: Gabriella Black
My parental units call me Mary Grimaldi, but I call myself Gabriella Black. A thorn by any other name is still a thorn, you know? I'm stuck at no-name state university filled with fucktards who are either trust fund babies desperate to pretend they are not from some of the wealthiest 'burbs in the country or incredibly unremarkable losers incapable of doing anything besides watch anime or drink. Music is my world, the more cynical, the better. Tori Amos is my goddess, and Sufjan Stevens is my sex god. I hate romance and purple, boys who wear girl jeans, and anyone who wears plaid. Manipulative and fake people deserve to be shot, as does anyone who is under the illusion that they are a unique snowflake instead of the dilapidated piece of worthless matter that they really are. Anyone who calls themselves happy is overmedicated, in denial, or two seconds away from committing suicide at the next family get-together. No one should need sex, because life fucks you over every single day. I am an absolutely fabulous advice giver – I have a negative tolerance for stupidity, weakness, and melodrama.
Q. I've known this guy for about 6 months and he's my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. There is one problem though, my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years.
He pretty much ignores her and spends time with me. I don't know what to tell her. We are attracted to each other and we keep sneaking around so she won't see us in town. I told her that I like him and she was upset. Is there a easy way to tell her we are becoming a couple?
Coupling in Kalamazoo,
Sarah Johnson
A. How can you possibly be best friends with someone you've only known for 6 months? Just because you know his favorite color, favorite band, and favorite Victoria's Secret model to jerk off to doesn't mean this is an epic friendship. But anyway, you obviously have no concern for this girl you allegedly call your friend, so you should just twist the knife you've already shoved into her back. Make out where you know she'll catch you. Plaster your MySpace with cheeseball pictures of the two of you. Or, you know, put on your big girl undies and tell her the entire truth. Then she can realize what heinous individuals you and your boyfriend are, and move on. What you've been doing indicates that you're a selfish, kind of sucky friend, and you don't really deserve to take the "easy" route out of this completely self-inflicted situation.
Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. What should I do?
Regarding Ugly,
Felicity Jameson
A. If he wants to commit suicide over a girl, then I think you should let him. The world needs less emotionally manipulative, unstable fuckers. Has everyone you're friends with ever agreed on anything, ever? Probably not, but if they're all agreeing that this kid is toxic, then maybe that should be a wake-up call to you. In fact, it should be a shrill, obnoxious, alarm clock screaming "Get the fuck out of this co-dependent relationship!" If you don't, you'll be walking on sharp, jutting pieces of glass around him, always making sure you're not saying anything that would cause him to jump off the proverbial cliff, and no boy is worth that much trouble. He doesn't need a girlfriend – he needs Prozac and a psychotherapist.
Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new questions?
Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below.
First up: Gabriella Black
My parental units call me Mary Grimaldi, but I call myself Gabriella Black. A thorn by any other name is still a thorn, you know? I'm stuck at no-name state university filled with fucktards who are either trust fund babies desperate to pretend they are not from some of the wealthiest 'burbs in the country or incredibly unremarkable losers incapable of doing anything besides watch anime or drink. Music is my world, the more cynical, the better. Tori Amos is my goddess, and Sufjan Stevens is my sex god. I hate romance and purple, boys who wear girl jeans, and anyone who wears plaid. Manipulative and fake people deserve to be shot, as does anyone who is under the illusion that they are a unique snowflake instead of the dilapidated piece of worthless matter that they really are. Anyone who calls themselves happy is overmedicated, in denial, or two seconds away from committing suicide at the next family get-together. No one should need sex, because life fucks you over every single day. I am an absolutely fabulous advice giver – I have a negative tolerance for stupidity, weakness, and melodrama.'-^^\~~~/^^-'
Q. I've known this guy for about 6 months and he's my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. There is one problem though, my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years.
He pretty much ignores her and spends time with me. I don't know what to tell her. We are attracted to each other and we keep sneaking around so she won't see us in town. I told her that I like him and she was upset. Is there a easy way to tell her we are becoming a couple?
Coupling in Kalamazoo,
Sarah Johnson
A. How can you possibly be best friends with someone you've only known for 6 months? Just because you know his favorite color, favorite band, and favorite Victoria's Secret model to jerk off to doesn't mean this is an epic friendship. But anyway, you obviously have no concern for this girl you allegedly call your friend, so you should just twist the knife you've already shoved into her back. Make out where you know she'll catch you. Plaster your MySpace with cheeseball pictures of the two of you. Or, you know, put on your big girl undies and tell her the entire truth. Then she can realize what heinous individuals you and your boyfriend are, and move on. What you've been doing indicates that you're a selfish, kind of sucky friend, and you don't really deserve to take the "easy" route out of this completely self-inflicted situation.
'-^^\~~~/^^-'
Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. What should I do?
Regarding Ugly,
Felicity Jameson
A. If he wants to commit suicide over a girl, then I think you should let him. The world needs less emotionally manipulative, unstable fuckers. Has everyone you're friends with ever agreed on anything, ever? Probably not, but if they're all agreeing that this kid is toxic, then maybe that should be a wake-up call to you. In fact, it should be a shrill, obnoxious, alarm clock screaming "Get the fuck out of this co-dependent relationship!" If you don't, you'll be walking on sharp, jutting pieces of glass around him, always making sure you're not saying anything that would cause him to jump off the proverbial cliff, and no boy is worth that much trouble. He doesn't need a girlfriend – he needs Prozac and a psychotherapist.
'-^^\~~~/^^-'
Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new questions?
Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below.
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