In Case You Missed It...

Week 1 has passed and week 2 is upon us! Subscribe to the page via the Subscription Center on the site, or to the livejournal syndicated feed to follow along!

FAQ's, Who's Who?, Intro

Last week on The Shady Stix Sketch Show:

Mon:
What shows didn't make the cut? Find out HERE!

Tue:
Follow the beginnings of our Priscilla as she embarks on the adventure of a lifetime HERE!
Black emo chicks are hot and give awesome advice, read some HERE!

Wed:
Need help figuring out if your man is down low or upfront? Find out some tell-tell signs HERE!
Are church kids goody two shoes, or are they just saved that way? Find out who will give us the answers HERE!

Thu:
Blackfolk! Do you have problems? Well of course you do! Nate Hamilton is ready with advice from a different point of view HERE!

Fri:
What happens when stereotypes are put to the ultimate social test? Find out more HERE!


Next week on The Shady Stix Sketch Show:

-- Advice From Someone Who Knows f. Desdemona the Diva & TheGirlisCrazy from LJ's own Blackfolk

-- Haiku Tuesdays w/Brett

-- More Where's Down Low? and other randomness.

-- Continuation of Priscilla, Church Girl, and Assimilation Nation!


Tune in every weekday for something new!

Pilot - Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad

From coast to coast America seems to be a wonderland of cultural diversity. With Blacks, White, Latinos, Asians, Homosexuals, and everyone in between littering this fantastic country, it appears as a utopia of tolerance and ethnic integration. Unfortunately the so-called "melting pot" of America is boiling over. I, for one, like to think of America as a green salad where each of its sections sit segregated but noticeable in a bread bowl of borders. I feel that a dressing needs to be made to drizzle enlightenment over all of us, uniting us and making us an American entity. The melting pot needs to be over turned and the salad needs to be tossed.

This experiment will hopefully provide the oil base for that vinaigrette of connectivity.

First, perhaps I should introduce myself? I am Dr. Bruno Sharpei, Esq. I have studied human and animal behaviors for more than five years and I feel in that time I have accrued enough knowledge to begin bridging the cultural divide. As the homosexual son of an Afro-latina mother, and an Asio-Italian father, I've had a great deal of difficulty trying to find my natural niche. There are times when I feel more connected to the Afro-American side, and times when the call of the Orient settles heavily on my heart.

I've ran with several groups and each time I've been tested to see how loyal I am to any given cause. If I am black can I rap or write poetry? If I am Italian can I make a pasta sauce that is to die for? If I'm Latino can I dance the Rumba with the best of them and where is my accent?

America is rampant with created culture. Due to slavery and forced integration many people of color, and gays were forced to define for themselves what their culture represents in this country, and many have had their culture defined for them. Stereotypes can be damaging but many times they are also telling and definitive of a group of peoples. When drawing the lines in the sand of what is and what isn't, how do we begin to interpret the characteristics of each group and in turn how do these designations affect those who are a part of that group, but don't necessarily ascribe to these predetermined traits?

In the next few weeks we will take a look at situations where minorities are forced to fall to the polar extremities of their culture's perceived behaviors. We will study how these actions affect not only the minorities themselves, but also the social majority (read: white people) in their situations. Topics ranging from hairstyles to seductive behaviors, flamboyancy to intense pride will cause us to truly observe how our actions speak louder than our words and will hopefully guide us into a better understanding of how to top the American salad with the grated Parmesan of acceptance and understanding.

On the first segment of "Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad" we will look at the issue of hair in the African American culture and how its various styles can cause a great number of things to happen when people assume the cameras are off. Come along with us next Thursday with a thirst for knowledge, and a hunger for the garden.

Ask A ____ : Advice From Nate Hamilton, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy
protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: Nate Hamilton

Blackfolk!

Do you have problems?

Well of course you do!

Well, Nate Hamilton is here to help. Now, full disclosure, Nate Hamilton is
a white guy (although pretty fly he has to admit), but don't let that
put you off. Haven't you always wanted an honest insight into the heads of white people? Sure you can ask your white friends (if you have any), but can you really trust them not to try to spare your feelings? Nate Hamilton is dedicated to helping you, black person, to get the full skinny on how decent, liberal, understanding white folk think about you.

Nate Hamilton can help you out with all the problems you face every second of the day as a black person. He beleives that black people, having to walk around 24/7 as a black person are often too close to their own problems to have a balanced, fully informed vista of their situation. As a white person, and therefore having no investment in any race issues, can provide that
perspective. Additionally Nate Hamilton can bring forth his full experience as a Sociology and Anthropology major, as well as his interest in black culture to bear on the situation. Nate Hamilton knows that black folks often don't or can't read, and therefore can't appreciate the full insight that reading authors like Maya Angelou and Terry Mcmillan, as well as listening to socially conscious rap can provide them as a black person.

Send Nate Hamilton your questions now without delay! Can you really function
as a black person without his insight for much longer?

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q: I've noticed lately that socially my boss treats me differently than the other employees.
Not necessarily during business hours, but during social interactions like office parties and company picnics. He'll say hello to everyone else, but when he sees me he goes "WHASSSSSUPPP GIRL!" and then gives me "dap". Everytime there's karaoke he
insists that I sing, and I can't carry a note in a bucket! When I invited him to my house for dinner to discuss a promotion he came dressed in a short set and brought a basketball for my daughter to play with. He kept reciting very inappropriate rap lyrics and was nearly incredulous when we insisted we didn't know what he was talking about. Who is Young
Jeezy? Why do you suppose he's behaving this way?

What's a shizzle?,

Jan Stokes



A. Dear Jan,

I'm going to assume here that you're black and your boss is white right? It might surprise you to learn that at no point in this letter do you make this clear. When really if you consider that simple fact you'll get one step closer to the answer to this "problem".

Lets deal with your boss first. Sure he sounds kind of overbearing and a little loud (I'm guessing you're the shy type right?) but he's not treating you differently because you're black Jan. He's treating you differently because he's in love with you. Awkwardly trying to strike up
conversations at social gatherings? Trying to get you to sing duets with him at karaoke? Buying presents for your daughter? These are all signs of amour my friend! That he's trying to engage with you on a cultural level only confirms this. Sure, you already have a daughter, but even if you are married, black relationships are statistically more shaky than white relationships, so it's not unreasonable that he might think he's in with a chance.

The "black" talk is only him trying to engage with you on a deeper level. Look at it this way Jan. If there were a hot French girl in the office, then you might try to impress ehr by coming up to her and talking to her in French. Sure your accent and grammar might be a little bit off, but
you'd be making the effort. It's the same when a white person approaches a black person for the first time. He's only trying to connect with you on a cultural level.

Which is where I think the real issue is - your lack of connection with your own culture. You seem to be in constant denial of your blackness. You don't sing? Singing has been an integral part of black culture since slaves invented jazz in the 1930s. You don't play basketball or listen to rap? Those are respectively the sport and music of choice for Black America. You invite this guy over for dinner to discuss a promotion? Well get you Betty Crocker!

It's obvious that you find it embarrassing that this guy understands your own culture better than you do. But instead of responding to this perceived challenge in a positive way - by taking it as a sign that you need to embrace your roots, you choose to respond in a negative way, by
blaming this guy for making you feel socially awkward.

Now obviously I'm being blunt here to get my point across. But the solution here doesn't lie within your boss, it lies within you. Sit down with some black friends and discuss with them what it means to share a skin colour. Buy a Jay-Z cd (I would personally suggest The Blueprint or The Black Album), and listen to the music. Kick back and watch some B-ball on the tv. Buy some Adidas. Do whatever you need to do so that you're comfortable with and understand your culture.

Understand that you don't have to act like a white person to succeed Jan. You're black and beautiful just the way you are.


Nate

PS : Let me know if you get together with your boss. I'm always happy when my advice results in a love connection!

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I am African American and I love doing new things with my hair. Sometimes I'll go to work in braids, sometimes a wig, sometimes weave, and sometimes (but rarely) my natural hair! Now everyone at the office is usually so complimentary, but when I go from having short hair one day to hair down my back the next, they've got to know why, right? I mean, they don't really have to ask about it do they? And why are they always so eager to touch it?

Specially Maned,

Lashondra Jackson

A. Dear Lashondra,

Ah Black Woman's hair. It's both a blessing and a curse isn't it?

On the one hand all you can really do with it in its "natural" state is push it up into an afro, and really that's so 70s isn't it? No 21st century Black Woman wants to walk around looking like Coffy do they?

On the other hand there are a whole range of gels, mousses, weaves, wigs and so on that mean it's really easy as a Black Woman to experiment with your look hair-wise. Every shp n the high street has a whole range of products dedicated to helping you get over the natural disability of having Black Woman hair. What do white girls get? Hair dye.

Now despite walking past these products every day, a lot of white people remain ignoraqnt about the special circumstances surrounding Black Woman hair. Not everyone is as educated in the ways of black culture as I am. So naturally, being women, and therefore interested in haircare and cosmetic appearance (statistically speaking of course, I'm not peddling stereotypes
here - just likelihoods based on the facts) a lot of people around the office will be intrigued by how you're able to perform such magic with your do.

So I say let them touch and investigate and ask questions. It's the only way they'll learn. Who knows, maybe they'll pick up some tips that they can use on their own hair? White people down the ages have forever learnt from the creativity of black people. Just look at Eminem!

In return you'll have an instant source of rapport with your white colleagues. Black Women and white women may be from different social spheres, but all women can bond and form friendships over the things they have in common - having to get gussied up in style for the
patriarchy.

Nate

PS - Maybe you could pop round and help me out with my hair some time?
I'm growing it out for Summer but can't do a thing with it!

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Pilot - Church Girl Chronicles: Heaven Can Wait

The road to Heaven is littered with forks of lives past lived. That is a personal quote by myself Rodney Johns. Who is Rodney Johns? Me, I am Rodney Johns. I don't feel the need to really provide much of an introduction because you should already know who I am. Though I know the documentary field has been saturated by the likes of Michael Moore and... that guy who ate all the fast food, I find my unique brand of documenting American life is wholly unique and speaks for itself. You may remember me from such documentaries as Pretty Whoa Men!: Transsexual Prostitution on the Rise, On the Down Law: The Rise of the Homosexual Lawyer, and Grabbed by the Balls: The Posh & Bex Unauthorized Biography featuring no live footage, but instead paparazzi still montages. Some called it a cheap ploy, but it was an innovative means around some unexpected barricades.

I haven't won any awards because I refuse to acknowledge the award system. Basically Hollywood only supports those who bow down and I -Rodney Johns- will not be one that bows down to Hollywood. I was all set to take them on when a new project and a cease and desist letter fell into my lap.

Remember being a child, remember having parents, and on certain days they would specifically make you go to church? Well I do, sort of, well, not really that well, but my cousin Stacey knows it very well and she's the one who gave me the idea, so perhaps I'll let her take over?

Stacey: You don't know nothin' cause you a heathen! Full of the devil!

Rodney: Shut up Stacey! I'm a successful director-

Stacey: Whatever, I was just playing with you, dang! Anyhow I go to God is the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness and my Mama has me in church every single second of the day. It almost gets to be like a second home.

Rodney: Show them the Schedule!

Stacey: Oh, okay, here:

Sun: 9am - Sunday School, 11am - Morning Worship, 6pm - YPWW (Young People Willing Workers), 7pm - Evening Service/Communion
Mon: 7pm - Choir Practice
Tue: 6pm - Usher Board Meeting, 7pm - Home & Foreign Mission
Wed: Free day mostly, unless there was a special practice for Youth Day every third Sunday in the month
Thur: 6pm - Sunshine Band rehearsal (little kids), 7pm - Children of the Kingdom rehearsal (juniors), 8pm - Step chain/liturgical dance, etc
Fri: 7pm - Friday Night Service
Sat: 6am - Morning Prayer

Rodney: Dang girl, you was in church all that time- I mean, ahem, that's a lot of time to spend in another place that is not your original home, I'm sure you felt almost a familial kinship with the rest of those awful children.

Stacey: I know, and that's not even counting shut-ins, anniversary planning, midnight musicals, dinners and fundraisers, everything. A lot of people think I'm some goody two shoes because of it, but a lot of folks don't really know what goes down in the life of church kids.

Rodney: This is where I come in.

Stacey: Uh, yeah. Rodney said that he would follow us on a few trips and record them and then really show people what's up.

Rodney: And so I did. I followed them on several church trips, we traveled to Denver, Chicago, and Dallas respectively while I taped every facet of their vacation. There were expected things, and contradictorily there were also surprises.

Stacey: What?

Rodney: Before we embark on our endeavor let's take a moment to meet the people involved.


GitR: COGIC-H:

Stacey

Stacey seems to be the protagonist. (Stacey: Seems?) She's quiet, except when she's trying to get your attention. She's kind of the gel, the Monica if you will (Stacey: Did you just reference Friends? Rodney: You knew the reference so shut it!). She's a good girl but sometimes she gets involved in things she shouldn't (Stacey: Like this? Rodney: Quit playing or I'll tell Aunt Leora! Stacey: You're going to tell on me?).

Calvin

Calvin and Stacey grew up together and went to the same school, they're basically brother and sister. Calvin's little brother is Daniel, they are both the Deacon's sons. Calvin is the oldest but treats all the kids like his best friends. He's a cool guy but sometimes he has a temper.

Daniel

Daniel is a thug whose appeal lies in his personality. He's very light complected and likes to have fun with that at the expense of others (Stacey: It's hilarious). He's a trouble maker and a jokester all in one, which means he gets away with far too much crap.

LeAndrew

LeAndrew is the hunk, and no as a heterosexual documentary director I don't feel uncomfortable saying that (Stacey: What?). He's a strapping young man with mesmerizing eyes (Stacey: Really? You sure about that? Rodney: You're so homophobic. Stacey: You're so homosexu- Rodney: Shut UP! Stacey: You gonna get enough of telling me to shut up!) and a strong personality. He has a hard veneer, but he's actually very sensitive and responds to passion (Stacey: Oh my God!) with a sensitivity all his own. He's very... (Stacey: Sensitive? Wanna use that one again? How about "unique"?) enigmatic and the romantic center to our tale.

LaTonya

LaTonya is the C in Stacey and LeAndrew's A&B conversation. (Stacey: I couldn't stand her back then. Rodney: I thought you two were best friends? Stacey: We had to be because we were the same age, it was convenient. But she kept trying to take my man. Rodney: Trying? Cause I think she did and- Stacey: Yeah, yeah, I know. Rodney: Oh... sorry. Stacey: Whatever, who's next?)

Wynette & William

These are LeAndrew's cousins and Stacey's unintentional arch nemesis. Of sorts I should say. Stacey really doesn't have any issues with either one of them, but their mother always tries to pit them against one another. Usually Stacey comes out ahead, but not necessarily because she's the Mary Sue of this tale, but because- (Stacey: Show don't tell Rodney), well, you'll see.

Rodney: Every trip also includes children from GitR: COGIC-H's sister church Jesus is Also the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness Revival (Stacey: Gotta love it, right?). These kids will be introduced as we go along though there are two very important components which we'll tell you about now.

JiAtR: COGIC-Hr Crew:

Keely

Keely is Stacey's best out of town friend. They grew up together and are basically play cousins. She too had a fling with LeAndrew but Stacey didn't mind because she wasn't feeling him at the time (Stacey: Gotta love being 12 and fickle.). The two have always gotten along.

Jason
Jason is, well Stacey, who is Jason (Stacey: Jason's.. umm. Jason is kind of... It wasn't really that he was the fallback guy, as much as he was the fallback guy (Rodney:... Stacey: Rodney! Rodney: That's cold blooded. Stacey: That don't make it untrue. Don't look at me like that! Rodney: Y'all women is scandalous). Jason is a poor soul indeed.

There are also the adult supervisors, mostly parents and other members coming along for the ride. The most notable appear below.

Adults:

Mother Sims: The church's mother has a penchant for singing old spirituals and praising God. She was the church's babysitter and basically potty trained and disciplined the seed of the congregation (Stacey: Grossness aside, that's true. Mother Sims knew how to make us pick a switch and stop peeing in our pants. She's a very sweet lady. Rodney: She sounds mean. Stacey: I prefer not to remember it that way. Rodney: Why? Did she give PTSD? Stacey: Nope, not her, but the next adult...)

Sis. Campbell: (Rodney: Why are you shivering? Stacey: Sis. Campbell was scary. She was the lady your parents sent you to when you needed to be spanked or taught a lesson, she invoked utter terror. And not the good "when I look back at this in 20 years I'll be thankful" terror, but the "OMG why is she so mean?!" terror. And her kids were mean too!) Well, that's pretty much all you need to know about Sis. Campbell for now.

Aunt Bea

(Stacey: Aunt Bea!) Aunt Bea is Sis. Campbell's aunt and Keely's mother. She was the sunshine to Sis Campbell's storm cloud. She worked closely with the youth and used a more hands on (Stacey: Less crazy and scary and mean) approach when dealing with the kids that they always responded well to.

We will follow this group of travelers and a few others as they travel across the country (Stacey: You have such a way with words Rodney. Rodney: Thank you. Anyhow...) as they embark on umm, holy adventures in odyssey (Stacey: WHAT?) all from the perspective of our protagonist Church Girl (Stacey: That's me!).

Next time on Church Girl Chronicles, Stacey and the crew head to Denver, Co. Stacey conquers her fear of Ferris Wheels, Calvin and Daniel get lost in a mirror maze while Mother Sims prays to get them out, and someone does something scandalous (Rodney: You like that? I think it adds suspense! Stacey: You're an idiot).

Where's Down Low?

The whole concept of "Down Low" is one that sickens me. Seriously, if you want to be gay be gay, you want to be straight with a wife and kids, be straight with a wife and kids, but the two should not mix (umm, unless there's a spoken or written agreement between all the parties invo- you know what? NO!).

For some reason though, with the installation of "Down Low" parties and the creation of the phrase "Down Low" in general, I think it's becoming a tad too urban and almost cool.

What's a lady looking for a man to do? How can we suss out which men are going to be faithful and which are going to stray with the pizza boy or some random hook up from the Craig's List NSA section?

Well no need to fear my dears, I've created a little game to help you identify whether or not your man is on the Down Low. If you can find your man in the picture, than you should be pretty sure that he's trying to bat for both teams behind your back.

**photos by TROOFIRE, someone who understand the beauty of the black gay male, NSFW

Can You Find Him?!

Ask A ____ : Advice From Gabriella Black, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

First up: Gabriella Black

My parental units call me Mary Grimaldi, but I call myself Gabriella Black. A thorn by any other name is still a thorn, you know? I'm stuck at no-name state university filled with fucktards who are either trust fund babies desperate to pretend they are not from some of the wealthiest 'burbs in the country or incredibly unremarkable losers incapable of doing anything besides watch anime or drink. Music is my world, the more cynical, the better. Tori Amos is my goddess, and Sufjan Stevens is my sex god. I hate romance and purple, boys who wear girl jeans, and anyone who wears plaid. Manipulative and fake people deserve to be shot, as does anyone who is under the illusion that they are a unique snowflake instead of the dilapidated piece of worthless matter that they really are. Anyone who calls themselves happy is overmedicated, in denial, or two seconds away from committing suicide at the next family get-together. No one should need sex, because life fucks you over every single day. I am an absolutely fabulous advice giver – I have a negative tolerance for stupidity, weakness, and melodrama.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I've known this guy for about 6 months and he's my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. There is one problem though, my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years.

He pretty much ignores her and spends time with me. I don't know what to tell her. We are attracted to each other and we keep sneaking around so she won't see us in town. I told her that I like him and she was upset. Is there a easy way to tell her we are becoming a couple?

Coupling in Kalamazoo,

Sarah Johnson


A. How can you possibly be best friends with someone you've only known for 6 months? Just because you know his favorite color, favorite band, and favorite Victoria's Secret model to jerk off to doesn't mean this is an epic friendship. But anyway, you obviously have no concern for this girl you allegedly call your friend, so you should just twist the knife you've already shoved into her back. Make out where you know she'll catch you. Plaster your MySpace with cheeseball pictures of the two of you. Or, you know, put on your big girl undies and tell her the entire truth. Then she can realize what heinous individuals you and your boyfriend are, and move on. What you've been doing indicates that you're a selfish, kind of sucky friend, and you don't really deserve to take the "easy" route out of this completely self-inflicted situation.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I am a young girl who is dating a boy who likes me a lot. All my friends know him and say that he is a user and a player. He says he will commit suicide if he loses me. I still like him but I can't stand this emotional stuff. All the guys I know say to leave him and that he is a jerk. I don't want to hurt him and I still care about him a lot. What should I do?

Regarding Ugly,

Felicity Jameson


A. If he wants to commit suicide over a girl, then I think you should let him. The world needs less emotionally manipulative, unstable fuckers. Has everyone you're friends with ever agreed on anything, ever? Probably not, but if they're all agreeing that this kid is toxic, then maybe that should be a wake-up call to you. In fact, it should be a shrill, obnoxious, alarm clock screaming "Get the fuck out of this co-dependent relationship!" If you don't, you'll be walking on sharp, jutting pieces of glass around him, always making sure you're not saying anything that would cause him to jump off the proverbial cliff, and no boy is worth that much trouble. He doesn't need a girlfriend – he needs Prozac and a psychotherapist.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new questions?
Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below.

Pilot - Priscilla: Queen of the Networks

Well hello there my little sugar dumplings! You have come from the furthest reaches of the interwebs to hear the tale of the fantastical Priscilla's adventures, and I have come to deliver. "Who are you?" you ask? Well have a seat my darlings, and allow me to introduce myself. I am Constance Felicity Welchwaller, Fairy Godmother extraordinaire! What? What's that? What do you mean there's no such thing as fairy godmothers? Well that's absolutely preposterous!

To say there are no fairy Godmothers is akin to saying there are no dreams and wishes, no hopes and aspirations. To not believe in a fairy godmother is to not have faith in the supernatural, to not believe in the fantasia that are the mysteries of this life. Do you remember as a child having an imaginary friend? I wonder sometimes, what happens to that imagination? When do we allow our thirst for the impossible to remain unquenched?

As a fairy godmother it is my job to guide your young, beautiful souls into childhood where many of you simply write me off as a subconscious hallucination. Some of you though -the very wise and creative I imagine- remember me and carry me with you in your hearts. Priscilla did, and this is her story. Come along won't you?


Yes my sweets, we are in Nebraska, and yes, there are sprawling cities with traffic and skyscrapers and big city luxuries, but this is not where our tale is set. We're going somewhere a bit more.. rural you could say. Lush, majestic cornfields sweep by us as we make our way from the Omaha metro to Ashland, Nebraska. Ashland houses the Lincoln Water Purification Center, the Crazy Cracker seasonal fireworks display, and a population brimming at over 3,000. The people that make up this town are all meek and humble country folk just living to make it through the day. They enjoy the simple pleasures of life and have no need for modern day distractions like tv or the internet.

Priscilla: "How the hell did I end up here?"

It's an important question indeed. Our heroine Priscilla is a small town girl with big city stars in her eyes. Her roots though are not so humble. You may recall hearing of the traveling Perkins, her family's roaming vaudeville troupe? Well if you haven't I highly recommend taking time to see some of their performances. They are truly stars in their own right but Priscilla has more than aspirations of following in their footsteps to local stardom.

Priscilla: "Not just aspirations baby, plans! I'm gonna be huge, I can feel it. I'm going to entertain the world!"

This may seem to be a tall order for our Priscilla, but she's a woman who knows that large tasks come in smaller sections and she would first need to take step one.

Priscilla: "I've got to get the hell up out of here!"

As easy as this first task sounds, it's much more daunting in execution. For you see Priscilla was raised in a world that was not set up to accommodate her natural fabulousness.

Priscilla: "Naw sugah, you need to sit back and let me tell you about where I'm from! Introduce me, okay?"

Fairy Godmother: "Ladies and gentlemen it is my great honor and esteemed pleasure to welcome you to the mellifluous rant of one Ms. Priscilla DeeJenee Perkins. A rant featuring emotionally charged poetry set to liturgical dancing and rhythmic gymnastics. The Perkins Times (the family newsletter) described it as "uproariously entertaining while never failing to be touchingly poignant". Excessive adverbs don't lie my dears, she is truly something to behold!"

Daddy and Mama Perkins have gathered in the audience with a camera and a bowl of popcorn and clap politely while Priscilla performs.

Priscilla: "They've always been my biggest supporters."

Mama Perkins: "Ever since she was a little girl our Priscilla has wanted to be on tv!"

Daddy Perkins: "Yes that's right. I remember when she was a just a toddler instead of a playhouse she had us cut up a cardboard box to look like a tv set. She even turned this little shed of mine into its own little theater!

Priscilla has always been inventive when it came to promoting her dreams. Unfortunately said dreams are dashed by one of the most important avenues of Hollywood success.

Priscilla: "Location, location, location. When Mama and Daddy decided to retire from the traveling vaudeville circuit they made their move to Omaha, Nebraska."

We see a film strip behind Priscilla showcasing the first three years of her childhood.

Priscilla: "As you can see, I was a lovely, vivrant child and already prepared to take over the world."

Mama Perkins: "She was such a special girl, she used to cut her Barbie's hair and put it in her own hair like weave, such a special child."

Fairy Godmother: "Yes, you were festive from a young age, but school children can be cruel can't they? And they learn to punish and not reward diversity."

Priscilla: "Yes Fairy Godmother! I was teased and picked on endlessly, one mean little girl spread a rumor that I stuck crayons up my whonanny and then used them to paint pictures!"

Daddy Perkins: Oh Priscilla sweetheart, I'm so sorry such things ever happened to you! Your mama and I tried to protect you as much as we could."

Mama & Daddy Perkins were the best most nurturing, most genteel parents in the world. They had personalities that lit up any room they ventured into yet they always made sure never to outshine their children when on display. They were affectionate and understanding and the kind of parents you never ever wanted to disappoint.

Priscilla: "Don't worry Daddy, I know you and Mama did your very best, and when you weren't around, my fairy godmother helped me."

Priscilla and I have been partners in crime for nearly 20 years now. I was assigned to her when she was three, and decided to stay as long as she believed I was there.

Priscilla: "Fairy Godmother gave me strength and enough perseverance to realize that though I was shunned then, I had a fabulous future in store! After the incident my family decided to pack our bags and head to Trashland."

Daddy Perkins: It's Ashland baby, and it's very nice.

Priscilla: And it's very small, and the people here are trashy.

Mama Perkins: They just rural baby! Good folks that have always been kind to us. There were no more bullies once we got here, none like that awful little girl, I wonder whatever happened to her?

Priscilla smiles a bit and looks at me.

Priscilla: "Oh, umm, I'm not sure exactly..."

She was a stripper now and a fat one with three kids, a dead end Walmart job and a husband who was "secretly" homosexual. Hmm, I know it's not nice to gloat, but bad people deserve bad things, it's only fair.

Priscilla: "Anyhow, after this long journey through mediocrity and manure I finally have a chance to become a star."

Daddy Perkins: "..."

Mama Perkins: "..."

Fairy Godmother: "..."

Priscilla: "Someone needs to ask me so I can announce it properly! I can't just tell you, there's no suspense there!"

Our Priscilla has always been a sucker for presentation. She hid in a closet for 16 hours on her 12th birthday waiting for someone to introduce her. When her parents finally caught on they made sure to make an especially big deal of it for her trouble and firecrackers accompanied her entrance. It was quite the show.

Fairy Godmother: "Oh yes, right. Umm, ahem Priscilla my darling, wonderkind and impetuous arteur? Please enlighten us with the magical and glorious details of your endeavor!"

Priscilla: "Well Fairy Godmother and parents, I have two words that will change my life forever... are you ready?"

Mama and Daddy Perkins nod excitedly while Priscilla sets the mood. She dims the light ordering a spot directly in front and above her. The influx of light creates a lovely silhouette on the wall behind her. Through fluid movement and 16 years of gymnastics, pilates, and yoga training she forms the shape of a crosshair and whispers dramatically into the microphone.

Priscilla: "X... Factor..."

Mama and Daddy Perkins applaud lovingly and are nearly beside themselves with glee.

Mama Perkins: "Oh Priscilla baby that is genius! And so perfect for you!"

It really and truly was. I'm sure many of you have heard of "X-Factor", but for those of you who haven't I implore you to start watching, that way you'll know what everyone is talking about the next day. It's a delightful program where kids from all across the country come on one big stage and perform just for you. You decide who you like the best and you vote for them, simple as that.

Now normally accolades are reserved for the winner and occasionally the runner up. This past year though, the show added a reality segment that runs five nights a week and gives you a look into the personal lives of the contestants. Many an acting star has been culled simply from these airings, so as long as you made sure to get in the Top 10, you were guaranteed success!

Daddy Perkins: "That's perfect! When are the auditions, honey? And where will they be?"

Priscilla: "They are in two weeks in Omaha! Can you believe it?"

Fairy Godmother: "Priscilla darling I've never been more excited for you, we must start rehearsal immediately!"

Mama Perkins: "Wait baby, first we need to celebrate! How about we take the entire family and go to the carnival this evening?"

Priscilla can barely maintain herself as she begins to hop up and down. Next to stardom, carnivals were her most favorite thing.

Priscilla: "The rides, the attractions, the cotton candy oh yum! I'll go round up the kids and you get Grammy and Pappy Perkins!"

And round up we did. One of the reasons the Perkins were so well known in the area was because there were so many of them. There was Priscilla - the oldest, Penelope - the most beautiful, Paul & Peter - the twins du mischief, Poppy - the original, Pax - the religious fanatic (and very well read at only seven years of age), and Percival - the baby. Add to this mix Grammy and Pappy Perkins (legends in their own time) and you had a Parcel of Perkins ready to take on the world.

~''**)(**''~

The next portion of this fairy tale begins at the carnival. It seems like a normal family celebratory outing, everyone is dressed in coordinating colors to appear fashionable and easy to find should they get separated. They are all in good spirits and ready to enjoy the feasts of the evening. We knew a wonderful time was in store, but what we didn't know was this particular carnival was a particularly special carnival. Now before you debated my very existence. If it is hard for you to believe in the simplistic beauty of a Fairy Godmother then I implore you to continue no further for the rest of this tale will certainly confound you.

~''**)(**''~

The carnival was originally ran by a roving troupe called The Glaucestioneers. They were a faux-British company that put on the most elegantly rustic of affairs. Turkey legs dripping in juices, jousting contests, beautiful princesses and dashing knights roamed the grounds lending an ambiance of the old world. The ambiance remained the same but little did we know the company was bought and taken over by Wishes Fulfilled Industries. Everything seemed to be the same, but something was strangely different, Priscilla noticed immediately.

Priscilla: "Mama, can't you usually see the strings when the fairies fly overhead?"

We all looked up as the magical fairies above us sprinkled us with magical pixie dust upon our arrival. They seemed to be actually flying and the pixie dust seemed to disappear into thin air instead of fall as confetti to the ground.

Grammy Perkins: "Back in my day we had full body length harnesses! We used to look like little cocoons flying cross the air, oh technology is a wonderful thing indeed."

Priscilla nodded but in her heart she knew something magical was happening and she was determined to find out what.

Priscilla: "Mama, Daddy, do you mind if we split up and go look around?"

Mama Perkins: "Not at all baby, remember to buddy up!"

Grammy and Poppy Perkins go to the penny show to watch whatever silent film is playing. They notice the piano player in the movie matches the music they're hearing and marvel at the piano player in front of them who is not only playing the exact notes, but looks just like the man in the film. Just like him.

Penelope takes Percival to the hall of mirrors so she can admire herself and Percy can be entertained by the reflections. Penelope was too busy looking at herself, but Percy noticed that sometimes the reflections moved even when Penelope didn't.

Paul and Peter (who are virtually inseparable) take Poppy (the Original) to the circus tent where the announcers are dressed as animals. The costumes are so lifelike that Paul and Peter could swear they almost seem real. Poppy (the Original) is too distracted by the clowns being stuffed into the cannon. She notices there is no net and wonders where the clowns will go and how will they land?

Our Priscilla takes young Pax to their favorite section of the carnival. The hall of mystery! The hall of mystery features old costumes, exhibits and games that cost only a penny to play. Priscilla enjoyed the whimsy and Pax enjoyed being able to afford something on his meager allowance. The two make their way and laugh as a music box played its tune even before Pax put in his penny. Being the good God fearing young man he is, he put his penny in anyway. Priscilla nodded at him proudly and petted his head as he laughed and danced with the music. They marvelled at the machines that came to life before them and seemed to follow them around the room. Little robots glided across the straw floor narrowly missing little cars that crossed their path. Pax ran after them with glee as Priscilla gazed at a very peculiar game in front of her.

Pax: "Prissy what you see?"

Pax pressed his nose to the glass causing his own glasses to make a pitch perfect "clink" as he stared into the eyes of the genie inside. Priscilla pulled Pax back and hugged him to her.

Priscilla: "I don't know Paxy, it looks like a Fortune Teller machine, wanna see if it works?"

Pax: "I don't know Prissy, something seems weird about it."

Priscilla: "I know, that's what makes it great! I'll tell you what, I'll even use my nickel. Read me the instructions, kay?"

Pax nods and sounds out the instructions pasted on the plaque in front.

Pax: "1. Place a nick-el into the slot and then turn the han-del."

Priscilla places a brand new shiny nickel into the slot and turns the handle. After some gear shifting and grinding the machination comes to life and the genie head becomes so lifelike it almost seems animated.

Pax: " 2. The genie will ask you for one wish, tell the genie the wish and wait for it to come true."

The machine starts to shake and jump and the lights illuminate the entire room.

Genie: "PRISCILLA PERKINS, WHAT IS IT YOU DESIRE?"

Priscilla is too far gone to notice the genie somehow knew her name, Pax doesn't notice either as he tries to sound out the next part of the instructions.

Pax: "Prissy wait, there's more here, it says to be careful what you wish for, because the wish will come true beyond your most wild ima- imag- in..."

Priscilla: "Pax, shhh... Dear Genie, I am ready to make my wish. I wish I could be in television, to be a star. I want that more than anything else in the world, to be a part of my favorite shows."

Genie: "AND SO YOUR WISH WILL BE GRANTED. BEYOND YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATIONS!"

Pax: "Imaginations! That's what it is! Prissy I learned a new word! Prissy?"

Pax looks back behind him for his sister but she's gone!

Pax: "Prissy? Where did you go? You're my buddy Prissy, stop it! Prissy?"

Pax takes a look at the plaque and notices something in very fine print.

Pax: "Warning, ex-he-cush-un of wishes is most lite-er-al and as such should be worded in a suck ink manner."

Pax didn't know what that meant, but he knew that Priscilla would never just leave him, and that he should probably get Mama or Daddy Perkins to help him. Pax is a very astute little boy. As Pax leaves to go find his parents, Priscilla embarks on the ride of her life. It is so thrilling she passes out from pure duress.

When she awakens, well children, that's where our story truly begins.

Woman's Voice: "Honey! Honey wake up! Gosh, the only time I usually get chocolate in bed is on my birthday!"

There's a loud laughter from nowhere as Priscilla comes to and sees a slightly familiar woman standing over her.

Priscilla: "Huh? What? Where am I? Who are you?"

Karen: "Honey I'm Karen Walker and I'm fabulous!

(Applause and WHOO's)

Karen: "And you're either a very fun gift from Stan to get me in the mood or you're a burglar. Either way I'm feeling a little frisky!"

(Laughter & Applause)

Grace Adler appears from the right in a rush.

Grace: "Karen, what's going on? Who's that? You usually only get chocolate in bed on your birthday!"

(Laughter)

Priscilla: "Wait, Karen.. Walker? Grace Adler? As in Will & Grace?"

Karen: "Why yes honey, how do you know Will? Oh, are you boring too?"

(Appl-

Priscilla: "No! I-"

Karen: *whispers through clenched teeth* "Wait for the applause to finish Honey!"

-ause)

Karen: "Now go!"

Priscilla: "Oh, well, umm, no! I'm fabulous, and Priscilla, my name is Priscilla. The last thing I remember is wishing I could be on tv and now... oh my. Oh no, FAIRY GODMOTHER!"

Jack McFarland: You rang?!

(LOUD Applause and WHOO's!)

On the next Priscilla: Queen of the Networks, Priscilla finds out what happened and works out a way to get back before the X-Factor auditions. Of course, not before getting into some shenanigans on Will & Grace.

Rejected Show Pitches

While selecting the three shows to premiere for the site (first pilot appears tomorrow!) I found myself having to cast several ideas by the wayside. Though there are some inventive, unique shows in mind, I felt that some either wouldn't have the longevity needed, or simply weren't up to par.

I'm sure the selection process will interest you as much as it did me so I've decided to share a couple of the rejectees with you today. Maybe someday these ideas will see the light of day, but hopefully not...

Pallet
Schizophrenic pre-op transexual detective becomes a serial killer and then dedicates their life to finding the killer.

Sample:
Intro: Davina Brown stars into a cracked mirror inside a seedy apartment in Downtown Miami.

"He thinks he can hide from me? I'm Davina Brown, the finest this city has ever seen and the classiest broad this street has ever known. He can't hide from me, I'll find him, and I'll put him away."

"Stop talking about your dick, Davina! I'm going to the store, you need anything?"

"It's detective Ron! He's a detective that's on the lam. When we find him, we find out who committed this terrible crime. Jesus Christ Ron, do you have any ibuprofen, my head is.. it's killing me, gahhhh!" Davina falls into the floor convulsing in pain.

"You'll never find me Davina, not without finding yourself..."

"Who is that? Who's there- ahhhhh!" Davina passes out in a cold sweat. Seconds later her eyes open looking around the room and taking in her surroundings. A small devious smile crosses her lips and a twinkle glints in her eye.

"At least this chick's got good taste in drapes."

Rejected:

Alexis Arquette was unavailable. For some reason...

If You Know What I Mean

A Show of Innuendo

Sample:

John: So Barbie, do you want me to go get your mail for you, if you know what I mean?

Barbie: Whoa ho ho! I sure do know what you mean! Maybe while you're out there you could put my outgoing mail into your slot... if you know what I mean?

John: Ooh you minx! Well you know the postman only delivers once a day, but I can check it as many times as you like, if you know what I mean!

Barbie: Ooh, check it baby, check it hard! Put some prepaid postage on it! YES! PACKAGE WEIGHT if you know what I mean!

John: Oh GOD!

Rejected:










Self explanatory

Life blogging: Taking your online life offline

Sample: Office Space

"Well no Mr. Johnson, L-O-L! I think your idea is quite dumb and- wait, delete delete delete. I think your idea is quite inspired yet unrealistic.

"What's that Mr. Turner, you want to know what I thought of Mr. Johnson's idea? Well I just told Mrs. Cross yesterday, let me copy you what I said to her, ctl-c, ctl-v. CU L8R!

"Oh emm gee Sarah, that's hilarious! Pardon me while I roll on the floor laughing my black ass off!"

Rejected:









ASCPA/PETA issues with execution of cat macros.



I Fell In Love with a Gay Man!
Exploitation-esque sequences on how to get what you can't have.

Sample: Obsession For Men.. Who Love Men: Establishing Behaviors and Getting to Know Your Gay.

"Did you know I have mom issues?"

"Mom issues? Really? Wow, a gay man with mom issues, and I'm sure they're special unique butterfly mom issues."

"They are. My mom went through the greater part of her life thinkiing her next reincarnation would be that of the ancient Egyptian Butterfly pharaonominus fancicillus. She gave me the middle name Chrysallis. When I was four she swaddled me in rosin for six days and wouldn't feed, bathe, or heed my cries claiming that if she helped me escape the cocoon it would make me weak and I would die. Social services was called in and I was adopted for a short time by a Mexican Federale who would become my mother's lesbian lover."

"Huh. I- I guess that would qualify as special unique butterfly mother issues."

"They're actually indigenous to Asia, but there's a special strain in the heart of the Congo, where my soul lives."

"That's so beautiful!"

"You're a really good listener."

"Would you like to move in together?"

Sample: How to tell him you don't want to bone him without hurting his feelings thus making you unattainable, sympathetic, and desirable.

"Honey look, I think you're handsome. I do, I really do. It's just that... I'm not attracted to you. Like, well, you know how you feel about girls? That's... that's pretty much how I feel about you. Yes, I normally find men attractive, but, well, you've seen my ideal man, right? Okay, this is going off track. Alright, would I be adverse to seeing you in a man sandwich? No! In fact I think that little bit of dysfunction would only serve to strengthen our bond, do I want to be the tomato in that sandwich? Well, honey you know how I feel about tomatoes...

You want to move in tomorrow?"

Rejected:

It works... too well. Unexpected flack from PFLAG and GLAAD, and bad press due to Scientology affiliation. Regardless the book is the number one underground seller.

We're Open!

Welcome!

The Shady Stix Sketch Show welcomes you!

I am your hostess StickyKeys and I'm here to take you on a fantastic summer voyage. For the next two months you will be entertained by the mostly sane ramblings of my imagination, and the imaginations of my friends who've been more than happy to help me out. Some of this is planned out and some of this we're making up as we go so if you have any comments, questions
or suggestions, speak up because we'd love to hear from you!

I've developed three recurring sketches that will run weekly throughout the length of the project:

Priscilla: Queen of the Network

Priscilla and her Fairy Godmother travel Quantum Leap style through her favorite tv shows. Sometimes she makes them better, sometimes she ruins the season, and sometimes she learns something and touches hearts.

Church Girl Chronicles - Heaven Can Wait

The seedy lives of church kids are finally exposed in this tell all documentary. We follow the kids on various church trips where their lives, spiritual and secular intersect.

Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad

A social experiment involving scientific observations. People of Color are put into situations where their assumptions are put to the ultimate test. Reactions from participants and bystanders alike are compared and analyzed.

In between these segments will appear a random assortment of content. From Podcasts to commericials, musical performance and faketerviews, to rejected show pitches, haiku, and advice columns. This space will be filled with something new every Mon - Fri (except one week in August for summer hiatus/American Idol auditions, heh) so make sure to subscribe or keep
up with the calender so you don't miss something fun!

Also check the sidebar for FAQ's, cast list, and other fun links.

Who's Who?

So who are the people behind the hilarity you're about to encounter for the next 8 weeks? Well come along and find out in no particular oder!


ME!!:
Who am I? Well I'm StickyKeys, woman with a vision, and a lot more free time than I should.


Tressie:
Tressie is a woman on the move with several projects to her name and the fire and tenacity to make them successful. She always speaks her mind in the most original way and is truly a pleasure to work with.

She can be seen answering questions in the Ask A... columns as Desdemona the Diva.


Gayla:
TGiC is so awesome she's often confused for me! She's a no nonsense southern belle with a penchant for Astrology and American Idol. Truly a winning combination.

She can be seen answering questions in the Ask A... columns as our local astrology expert.


Jasmine:
Jas is a wonderful, intelligent girl stuck in the middle of nowhere. She lies in wait of a day when the world will catch up with her intelligence and spark and until then laments it in her unique and spellbinding way.

She can be seen answering questions in the Ask A... columns as Gabriella Black.


Carribbean Monk Seal:
Although The Seal is native to the waters of the Carribbean, he can be found taking his summers in England (he enjoys the balmy weather and ample public transport). The Seal has a wit and brevity all of his own and can often be seen pontification on the pop culture world that surrounds us.

The Seal can be seen answering questions in the Ask A... columns as Nate Hamilton.


Nina Page:
Juanita is the most wonderful girl in the entire world ever. I'm a bit biased because she's also my BFF, but I'm only slightly exaggerating. She's full of life and unprecedented talent.

Nina can be heard doing commercials for the random segments of our show.


Brett Jenkins:
Brett is like, totally smart and junk. She's a celebrated and soon to be published poet who may not necessarily like long walks on the beach, but can write one heck of a story about the ride there.

Brett can be seen in our random sections contributing haiku of an intimate nature.


Charming Driver:
Shannon is a crazy lady who is a pleasure just simply knowing. She's got a quick tongue and a sharp mind and can be seen ranting about everyday nuisance in new and invigorating ways.

Shannon can be seen in our random sections doing whatever she feels like when she feels like, cause she's Shannon.


Croupier:
Croup is another crazy southern lady who puts just about everyone within a 50 mile radius to shame on about every front. She's smarter, cooler, and better than you just naturally. Don't hate the player, because she will one day rule the world.

Croupier can be seen giving advice only the way she can in our Ask A... columns.


Our Eric
Eric is the picture you see under "fabulous" in the dictionary. He's an aspiring playwrite yet he's already won the Tony in my heart. Awwww!

Eric can be seen doling out advice in our Ask A... columns.


CerebralShrike
Sam Colunga is a strong Latino man with a heart of gold. He's always funny, caring, and giving and can be seen on his Vox waxing poetic about the '80s, beautiful women, or pop culture.

Samuel can be seen writing as ROM in Couched: Culture Clash

FAQ:

Who: StickyKeys & her friends!

What: The Shady Stix Sketch Show!

When: July & August (with one week off for summer hiatus)!

Where: Here on blogger!

Why: I was bored...

How: Very carefully...

Now... what again?




What is The_SSSS?

The_SSSS is a collection of skits, parodies, and general rambliness straight from my brain to your plate. We will have new content Mon-Fri of each week including podcasts, advice columns, rejected show pitches, games, and so much more!


Why are you doing this?

I had the idea for Priscilla for a little while, but couldn't see myself devoting a whole separate blog to it. I also had a lot of unfinished posts that I wanted to share and wanted incentive to get done! What better than a weekly sketch show?


Can I syndicate you/add you to my flist/etc?

Of course you can, and please do! I have included a subscription center which provides feeds via feedburner. If you are on livejournal you can syndicate using the_ssss livejournal feed also in the sidebar. There's also a Google calendar so you can follow the progress that way.

I have dedicated a MySpace to the project so feel free to friend it so you can receive important bulletins. If you'd like to friend my personal journal feel free to do that also. I am stickykeys633 on livejournal and myspace.


I want to get involved! Can I?

YES! I love new content and you'd receive full credit. Got something wacky you've been dying to do? Well let me know about it and we'll see what we can work out? Just email me at shadystix@gmail.com


I want to send you some fan mail because I think you're stuff is great/hate mail because you suck. Can I?

Umm, YEAH! I'd prefer the former, but if you have something to say feel free to comment or drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you. Please keep any site comments to the site though. If you have something to say about content someone else has provided, either use the gmail link for the page, or comment on the post.


I'm all out of questions!

I'm all of out answers! Finally, something we agree on.