Ask A ____ : Advice From TheGirlIsCrazy, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: The Girl is Crazy!
I am astrologer ordinaire (no, that is not a typo) and I can accurately tell you about yourself just by looking at your birthchart! “How?! How can you be so prescient?” You ask. And I answer: I am a Virgo Sun with a Leo ascendant, which means I’m consciously motivated by the need to always be right., so don’t question me bitches, just trust me when I say I will take care of all the details and make sure everything looks flawless when I’m done.

Now, in order to get a proper, full reading, I must know your date and place of birth and EXACT time of birth (disclaimer: I will not be responsible for inaccurate readings due to an incorrect birthtime), copy of birth certificate and Social Security Card, one credit card number (you will be billed after receiving your reading), three non-familial references, and a blood sample entered into the tamper-proof container that I mail to you. I will not accept blood samples sent to me in Mason jars, sippy cups, zip-loc bags, Cool-Whip containers, or whatever random container you found lying around that you aren’t using for anything else. If you don’t send it in the contamination-proof container that I send you I will throw it away immediately, b/c I don’t know what disease you may have running in your veins and I ain’t taking no chances. On a similar note, do NOT get confused and send me a urine sample or else I will show up at your doorstep with said urine sample and dump it on your head.

Now, if you are not quite ready to commit to receiving a full reading, but have a specific question for which you seek my advice, I will be more than happy to answer it, and I only need your date, exact time, and place of birth for that. For questions related to relationships (i.e., should I ask her out, are we meant to be together, is this relationship worth saving, how do I trick this person into dumping me so I won’t have to deal with the guilt and/or craziness that will ensue if I dump him/her), I really need the charts of both parties in question so that I can do a synastry chart for the couple. However, I can still answer your questions if you only send me your chart; your answer will simply be more one-sided – that is, it will relate more to your side of the relationship than it will to the other person.

Q.

I am a man in my 20's and I still haven't found the love of my life. There is a certain girl that I like, but certain circumstances are keeping us apart. Mainly the fact that she's my rehab nurse and I'm trying to curb this severe cocaine addiction. We have great talks, and I really want to ask her out (when I'm able to leave as mandated in the court order), should I?

Restless in rehab,

John Doe Birthdate: 3/22/78

A. Well, John, that's quite a predicament you've got there. Looking at your chart, I see you have Pluto and Uranus in the fourth house (the house of the home and family life, especially regarding the mother). Pluto indicates that you had a rather tumultuous, unstable childhood, while Uranus just signifies general wackiness – like the real reason your household was so unstable was because your parents were members of the circus and left you alone for weeks or even months at a time while they were on the road. I'd also venture to guess that your mother was the double-jointed, bowlegged bearded lady in that circus, b/c that's the kind of wacky shit that Uranus would be amused by. Strange planet, that Uranus.

I am not sure you would make the best boyfriend – while it's commendable that you're trying to clean up your act, I think you're either going to fall off the wagon again, or you're going to constantly depend on your significant other to support you and/or keep you clean all the time. Your Sun squares Jupiter, meaning your life so far is pretty much one wide road to hell paved with a whole lot of good intentions. Combined with Saturn squaring Uranus – indicating bossiness and fear of change - you'll probably be the take-charge, stand-up kind of guy who is very charming to a woman at first, and then before the month is out you've moved in with her and two months after that, all you do is sit on the couch all day surrounded by empty beer cans and barking demands at said woman b/c you're too mean and lazy and dumb to get off your ass and do it yourself, and you're too insecure to apply for just about any job (you convince yourself that you wouldn't get it anyway b/c you'd fail the drug test).

Now, that all sounds harsh, but that's what I see. I suggest concentrate fully on getting clean first and becoming self-sufficient, and finally admitting to yourself that you aren't the brightest light bulb in the socket - the sooner you learn that, the sooner you will learn to keep yourself out of trouble. After all that, you can think about starting a relationship with someone. You just aren't mentally or emotionally cut out for one right now. If your nurse has any sense she would probably (politely) turn you down, anyway.

Q.

My boyfriend and I have recently broken up. My problem is that he still wants to ask questions about what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. His excuse is that he needs some time to get over our relationship and still feels attached. How do I get him to back off?

Smothered in San Francisco,

James Downey Birthdate 9/3/1982

A. James, I don't think you really want him to leave you alone so much as you just don't appreciate being questioned. You have Uranus in the seventh house (long-term relationships), sign of Sagittarius, which tells me you are a whore. Not making a judgment call there, just saying. Uranus is all about change and Sag's about the biggest whore sign in the zodiac, with the possible exception of Libra. You enter relationships suddenly and with much passion but end them abruptly as soon as there is a sign that it might actually work for once; anything that isn't dysfunctional bores and frightens you. Now, Venus is in 5 th house (short term love affairs, fun and games) and Leo, which means you don't want people to actually * gasp * forget you exist! You just want them to be there on those rare nights when the other side of your bed is empty, and then to conveniently fuck off when it's not, and never forget you're the star so don't question your motives, and so on.

Uranus is sesquare to your Imum Coeli (IC) in Cancer, the cusp of the fourth house. [snip] I suspect that your mother was very loving towards you (albeit slightly smothering) when she was single, but when she was in a relationship tended to ignore you or prioritized her current partner over you [snip] so I'll guess that she was actually a pimp, which is why you were less important – she placed priority on the money her hoes brought in. Now, as an adult, you relive this home life to an extent, as you bounce from lover to lover and find yourself in relationships with loving but smothering people, and bailing out as soon as you sense the relationship might actually be stable.

In regards to the ex in question – I see that your descendant (DC) lies in Scorpio; the DC often indicates what qualities or type of mate we are attracted to. If there is any Scorpion influence in his chart, then there is a quick explanation for why he keeps asking you what you're doing and who you're with. Scorpios become easily obsessed and possessive about almost anything, and once they've had you, in their minds, they'll always have you. They don't even have to love or care about you that much most of the time – you know how some bodily functions are involuntary, and our bodies stop doing them we'll die? Well, Scorpios have four involuntary functions: Stalking, having sex, breathing, and having sex. In that order. Chances are good he probably already knows the answers to the questions he asks, but he just wants to see what answers you're going to give him so he'll know how much to not trust you.

Of course, I say all this with the assumption that he's a Scorpio. For all I know he's a Pisces and he's just being a whiny emo bitch. Or he's a Libra, and he's a codependent bitch (but not as whiny). Or he's a Cancer, and he's just being a bitch, period. I can't accurately tell you how to get rid of him without seeing his chart, too. For the moment, just ignore his phone calls, change your number, check into getting a restraining order, and/or move to another city.


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