CANCELLED!

Couldn't even get syndication rights... *smh*

Honestly though, the pursuit of life, happiness, and a new job to provide for these things.

I had a fabulous time and I hope you did too. Don't forget to check out anything you may have missed, and be sure to hit up our contributors on the cast page!

Goodnight, and good luck!

On Hiatus: Gone Idoling!

American Idol will be holding auditions in Omaha so I will be there LOL-ing it up and making a general fool of myself. Follow my progress HERE!

Anyhow, don't fret! In the meantime check out some of the fantastic stuff you missed! See you next week!

Culture Clash: Tales From the Couch - Shannon's Side

Follow CerebralShrike as he delves into the hearts and minds of a couple on the edge of a culture clash. Despite their love for each other Quashonnan (Shannon) Perry and Santiago Ibarra find themselves often misunderstanding and misinterpreting their unique ethnic differences.

As they approach the alter to solidify themselves as one, they must first learn how to function as individuals and accept each others as proud representatives of their heritage.

Shannon and Santiago will each attend a counseling session separately and then together to see if they can create a bond using only the culture of love.

********

Session Two: Shannon Speaks:

I really don't know what I'm doing here today. No, you don't understand. I really don't know what I'm doing here today. I mean, no, Santi and I aren't perfect, but I don't think we need to see some shrink. He's always so damn dramatic about everything, one time my Mama asked him when he was going to mow the lawn and he was this close to calling NOMAR on her! He's so sensitive.

I guess I should talk more about my fiancee Santiago. What is there to say? He's wonderful. He's strong, and kind and loving and he is FINE! But some things he does really do annoy me. Is that what I'm here to talk about? Just tell me at what point I'm supposed to blame my mother. I know how you shrinks work. Psh...we should talk about his mother! Oh... okay. Well, she's rude. She screams a lot. And she had the nerve to try and teach me how to make her nasty tortillas. Yuck! I don't think so.

I just wish he'd calm down sometimes. For instance, he keeps making this tired joke whenever it's dinner time and I put some food in front of him. No, we did not run out of chicken. Stop saying that! It wasn't even funny the first time. Mind you, we've never actually had chicken at our place...unless you want to count the arroz con pollo he brought over from his mom's house. Argh! I told myself I wasn't going to talk entirely about that woman. You could really fill up some space in your notebook if I went into great detail about how much she bothers me.

Well she's just trifling. Of course she wanted her baby to marry some Chicano goddess from the block or whatever JLo has them thinking and instead he comes in with some -and this is a direct quote- "some ghetto hood rat that thinks she's cidity". Please, she don't know me! Santi tells me to just shake it off so that's what I'm going to do now.

Anywho, I'll tell you about the night we met. It was at a club. I really didn't feel like going anywhere, but my friend told me that we'd spend just a few minutes there and then we'd jet over to her boyfriend's place to watch a movie with his cousin that she was trying to set me up with. I didn't care one way or the other. The guy was kinda slimy and he had roving hands. Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I?

Well, I'm sitting at the bar and Santiago comes over and gives me this weird look like if there was something in his eye. I don't know, he was creeping me out a little. But I never turn down a free drink, especially when I can guzzle it and then show him pictures of me and my "fiancee" on my cam phone. The pictures were really of me and my gay friend, Tony, but it works every time. Santiago wasn't bad looking and he made me laugh with this really corny joke about coffee and an old married couple. We talk for a minute and I give him my number.

On our first date he gets all paranoid because a group of Black people sitting together kinda stares at us as we walk into the restaurant. I told him not to worry about it but he wanted to puff his chest out and whatnot. I should have known it was a sign of things to come. He acts the same way when our downstairs neighbor, Jamal, gets up in the morning and picks up his newspaper from the patio. I guess he feels threatened. But what is he gonna do, get buck in front of every Black man we come across? Lord! He'll get his ass kicked!

Anyhow, things kind of started going downhill after he proposed and we moved in together. I guess I've just gotten too used to being independent because the first thing I did when I moved into that testosterone filled man pad was give it a touch of me. I got rid of his janky Sugar Hill alarm clock and replaced it with a state of the art sound machine I got from Sharper Image. I took down his bulldog poker hanging and replaced it with some art from the local fair. I classed up the joint and all Santi can do is complain about not being able to find his stuff. Whatever, it needed to be thrown out.

I don't know doc, I love him so much, but I don't know how long this is going to last. What did Santi say to you? Oh, I know you can't tell me, but maybe if I knew how he felt? He always tries to tell me but I get defensive and we just end up arguing. It's like one giant culture clash between us.

****

Next time on Culture Clash: Tales From the Couch Santiago and Shannon will attend a session together and see where they agree and disagree.

Ask A ____ : Advice From Nate Hamilton, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy
protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: Nate Hamilton

Blackfolk!

Do you have problems?

Well of course you do!

Well, Nate Hamilton is here to help. Now, full disclosure, Nate Hamilton is
a white guy (although pretty fly he has to admit), but don't let that
put you off. Haven't you always wanted an honest insight into the heads of white people? Sure you can ask your white friends (if you have any), but can you really trust them not to try to spare your feelings? Nate Hamilton is dedicated to helping you, black person, to get the full skinny on how decent, liberal, understanding white folk think about you.

Nate Hamilton can help you out with all the problems you face every second of the day as a black person. He beleives that black people, having to walk around 24/7 as a black person are often too close to their own problems to have a balanced, fully informed vista of their situation. As a white person, and therefore having no investment in any race issues, can provide that
perspective. Additionally Nate Hamilton can bring forth his full experience as a Sociology and Anthropology major, as well as his interest in black culture to bear on the situation. Nate Hamilton knows that black folks often don't or can't read, and therefore can't appreciate the full insight that reading authors like Maya Angelou and Terry Mcmillan, as well as listening to socially conscious rap can provide them as a black person.

Send Nate Hamilton your questions now without delay! Can you really function
as a black person without his insight for much longer?

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q: I am a black woman who has worked hard to get where I am. All through life I've had to do twice as much to get just half of the recognition. I am tired of playing second fiddle to so called managers that I am more qualified than! I want to ask for a raise and promotion, but they have very few people of color in management (there's one, the boss's illegitimate son whom they've told he's white) so I'm not sure how to ask. Any tips?

Sister Soljah,

Dewahn Jenkins

A. Dear DeWahn,

Calm down!

And I'm not saying that in a patronising way. 99% of the time, the business world is all about presenting yourself in the calmest, clearest, and least aggressive manner possible. You already have a difficult stereotype to work against in that respect being a black woman. You're not going to improve matters by declaiming in every other sentence about how great you are, how much harder you've had it, how you're sick and tired, and lobbing exclamation marks and "Sistah Soljah" out like Angry Black Lady confetti. People who talk like that in everyday conversation often allow that attitude to bleed into their professional deelings, and nobody wants to give a promotion to somebody who gives the impression of thinking they deserve it just because they're black.

Especially as it seems like your workplace has problems with black people. Only one black person in management? That's got to tell you something right there. This is a pity, but a sad reality for many black professional people in America. Tragically the scourge of insititutionalised racism has not yet been stamped out in Corporate America. Did you know that on average black people in America earn less than white people? Often for doing the same jobs? Sure things are getting better, but there are still some small pockets of resistance out there, and its your bad luck to have fallen into one of them.

So I had three courses of action to suggest to you Dehwan. The first is the most straightforward, the latter two are the more "controversial options" :

1) Leave the firm. You deserve better than to have work in such a racist
environment. If you're as qualified and intelligent as you say you are, you
should have no problem getting a job with a non-racist organisation.

2) So your boss has an illegitimate bastard son eh? It's a risky proposition, but
I'd suggest digging around for a little bit more dirt on him. My own personal
family experience tells me that if someone's sired one bastard, he's probably
sired at least a couple more somewhere with several different women. If this guy
can use his illegitimacy as an emotional blackmail tool (as bastards so often
do) against your boss so you can you. Find another scandal, and use it to make
your boss see the advantages of keeping you around with your mouth shut.

3) Change your name. I know this might sound insulting Dehwanna, but
it's definitely a step to consider. Most people when they're doing business want
to feel like they're dealing with someone mature, professional, literate and
competent. They want to deal with a Stacey, or an Elizabeth, or a Rebecca, not a
Dewhanna, or a Shaniqua, or a Destinique. You might have managed to transcend
your ghetto roots, but an unprofessional sounding name can be a curse on any
business career. For instance, my parents decided to call me Heron and I'm sure
you can see the problems that game me when applying for a career in credit
management.

Hope I've been of service to you, and good luck with your raise/promotion!

Nate

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. Why do white people want to say the N-Word so much? They don't really want to do they?

Curiously Offended

Charley

A. Dear Charley,

First of all I'd like to make it clear from the outset that I've never used the n word outside of academic discussion, and have no particular desire to either. I know of the word's disgusting history, with slaves and lynchings and Jim Crow laws, and all of the other historical injustices visited upon black people. so even if I wanted to use it, I wouldn't. So for this question I'm only going for my best estimate of what other white people might think.

Remember when you were a child Charley? Remember how your mother would always put the cookie jar up on the top shelf and tell you not to touch it otherwise you'd get a hiding? The fact that you're not allowed something makes it all the more tempting. If your mother had left the cookie jar out in plain sight you probably wouldn't have wanted the cookies - or would have had one and then wandered off. But because there's an added sense of danger, you'll climb up those drawers, grab the cookie jar, and overindulge yourself.

That's what the n word must be like for the majority of unenlightened white people. Because it's a taboo word people get a frisson of danger and excitement from saying it. Obviously I don't want to suggest that you or any other black person restrain your self-expression in any way, but if all black people from tomorrow decided they weren't going to react when the n word was used ; if they just rolled their eyes and let it slide, the word would be robbed of its danger and power, and eventually people would stop using it all together.

Such a Utopian world I envisage!

Nate

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Where's Down Low?

Eddie Murphey & Keith Sweat? LL Cool J & Backup? No one knows for sure, but it helps to know the signs...

Can you find him?

Haiku Tuesdays With Brett!

f. The illustrious Brett Jenkins

withered tree branches

look

like

the

bony

arms

of elderly women

this is the sadness

of the egg mcmuffin-

you eat it and it's gone.

Ask A ____ : Advice From Gabriella Black, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

First up: Gabriella Black

My parental units call me Mary Grimaldi, but I call myself Gabriella Black. A thorn by any other name is still a thorn, you know? I'm stuck at no-name state university filled with fucktards who are either trust fund babies desperate to pretend they are not from some of the wealthiest 'burbs in the country or incredibly unremarkable losers incapable of doing anything besides watch anime or drink. Music is my world, the more cynical, the better. Tori Amos is my goddess, and Sufjan Stevens is my sex god. I hate romance and purple, boys who wear girl jeans, and anyone who wears plaid. Manipulative and fake people deserve to be shot, as does anyone who is under the illusion that they are a unique snowflake instead of the dilapidated piece of worthless matter that they really are. Anyone who calls themselves happy is overmedicated, in denial, or two seconds away from committing suicide at the next family get-together. No one should need sex, because life fucks you over every single day. I am an absolutely fabulous advice giver – I have a negative tolerance for stupidity, weakness, and melodrama.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. My boyfriend is wonderful and smart and strong. We've been together for four years and everything is going great. He just recently asked me to marry him and I can't think of any reason to say no! What do you think?

Genuinely Happy and in Love,

Beck Grossman


A. Dear Beck,

The fact that you felt the need to write to an advice columnist about this relationship that you think is oh-so-perfect indicates that you are incredibly insecure and probably don't have the emotional maturity to be married. God, you might as well bust out your magic 8-ball or play "He loves me, he loves me not". Big girls know that you don't go to strangers for validation. If you don't completely suck at being a person, you probably have friends that can shed some legitimate perspective on this situation. If you're really lucky, they may even be honest with you and won't allow you to enter into a fucked-up, unholy union. One can only hope.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I think my cat is depressed. It's lifeless anymore, it rarely eats, and it spends most of the day pushing around in the litter box. Recently my husband and I have been having some issues. I found out he runs a drug operation our of his workshed (he never lets me in there) and he found out about the affair I've been having with his jefe. I know it's best that we split up, but ever since we've been apart the cat has been so morose. Should we give it one more try for Snuggles McFurrybottom?

Feelings for a Feline,

Cassandra Waits


A. This inquiry is several levels of imbecilic. What kind of sane, well-adjusted person would ever, ever, in a million years dream of getting back together with someone who clearly had, like, negative respect for you. I'm sorry, the man who promised to love and cherish you forever (or whatever cheeseball vows he chose to take) does not decide to run a secret drug operation - he didn't even trust you enough to be his ride-or-die chick, woman. And to point out the obvious - sup, potential legal trouble? If you were driven to cheat on him, one of the most egregious relationship sins one can commit, then you clearly had no respect for this almost hilariously dysfunctional relationship. Force your cat to build a bridge and get over it. Kitty is probably going through withdrawals from whatever substances your husband is concocting.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new questions?
Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below.

Back Soon!

Taking a personal day for personal things. New content tomorrow.

Or you know, whatever, heh.

Where's Down Low?

It's that time again again kiddies! Don't these puzzles seem easier and easier when you do more of them? If only real life was such a joy....

CAN YOU FIND HIM?!

Ask A ____ : Advice From NCog001, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: NCognegro
My government name is Nunyo B.I. Bidness, but I go by Ncognegro (Ncog for short). I don't have any actual qualifications from any learning institution, but I have been associated with people who seem to dive head first into wacky ass situations. There's not much out there I haven't seen or dealt with myself, so nothing surprises me anymore, and I usually know how a situation is going to turn out. To be forewarned, I like to tell it like it is, and I could give a damn if people like me. But if you want to know what I think, I'll never steer you wrong, or at least you won't be in worse shape than I found you in.

Q. I've been going out with this guy who I really like for about two months now and we talk everyday we go out together every weekend. He already told me he loved me and I told him he has to give me time but that I really like him a lot. The problem is that he hasn't asked me to be with him! I'm ready for a serious long term relationship. How can I get him to ask without saying that directly? What hints can I give him that I want him to ask me to be his girlfriend?

A. Okay,
You really should've brought this up already. The second he told you he loved you, you should've said "But I'm not even you're girlfriend", and he most likely would've either asked you right then and there, or beat around the bush a bit. Either way, you would have a clear message as to his intentions. At this point, I don't think hints are appropriate. If you told him you needed time, he might be backing off for fear of pushing you away. Tell him that you're ready for a committed relationship, and if he's willing, you'd be more than happy to be his girlfriend.


'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. My boyfriend and I have been living together for over 14 months. A couple weeks ago he told me he was not happy living with me and does not think we can carry on living together. His main complaints was that he needed his own space and felt suffocated. However, he told me he doesn't necessarily want to break up. I was furious and told him if he did not want to try and work it out and live together then the relationship is over. We've talked about it several times already and we both can't come to any fair agreements. Now we are both moving out at the end of the month. Is there any hope or should I move on?

A. If you look closely, you answered your own question:

"...told him if he did not want to try and work it out and live together then the relationship is over."

He was willing to still to work on the relationship, but you gave him an ultimatum. I can tell you first hand, guys hate that. If he hasn't already moved on, you need to ask yourself, is this relationship worth compromise on your part. If not, fuck it! Move on! But if it is, then ask yourself honestly what could be gained or lost by separate living arrangements. One thing you should realize is, guys spend their early adult hood running from their parents house, trying to establish a life / space of their own. Sometimes if they lose that sense, they panic. Eventually, if life was good, guys will come back and realize what they were worried about wasn't that important. Or they'll move back into their parents basement and try (unsuccessfully) to start a band.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new questions?
Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Haiku Tuesdays With Brett

f. Hostess of the Haiku: Brett Jenkins



why hasn't america
tried to take over the world
with robots?











"beep beep boop boop boop beep boop."


i know every word to this techno song.

Getting To Know Me:

Or what happens when due to increased business Sticky is unable to fill a slot in her lineup. Seriously, this last week has brought a windfall of activity and we will return to our regularly scheduled programs as soon I surface this capsize that is called life.

Anyhoo, last night I was watching quite the delightful program on YouTube and was treated to an uplifting and fulfilling discussion about bi-polar disorder. No this is not a cry out for help but instead a story of my youth, for you see when I was a child (before I put away childish things for permanent) I adopted quite the unusual affliction of involuntary word replacement.

Now, when I tell you this I must stress that it is in no way trying to make light of bi-polarism because it's quite the serious disease, but rather a fun story about words and the world around us.

For a very long time, when I heard the word bi-polar, I immediately thought of the word bicostal, which is mostly slang for those who inhabit two coasts whether it be Londor/NY, or NY/LA or what have you and it was usually due to work or vast riches. Soon however, it began to take on a definition of being synonymous with bisexuality "living on both coasts" you see. Yes, extremely clever I know.

So one day I was driving around with the my friend who was telling the story of her bipolar sister,

"Oh my God she's insane. She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president or ending world hunger and then she completely bails on them and cries in a corner for days. Then she'll take her meds for a while and be fine, but as soon as she gets off of them she's right back to being crazy, and our mom is bipolar too so it makes my life miserable."

Now, as a tale of the throes of manic depression this is quite a sadly usual tale, however, as in the mind of someone who has equated bi-polar with bi-costal and bisexual, it's quite harrowing indeed!

"She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president and ending world hunger..."

Liking girls makes you want to be president? I thought inwardly (thankfully) as my friend continued her tale.

"She would completely bail on them and then cry in the corner for days!"

Well I would cry too if I had aspirations for presidency and they just fell out from under me. Like, not only could I not be president, but I would also be gay. Like, I'd have the chance to be the first gay president, and it would just be gone. Like, I get why this entire thing is weird, but why would crying about it be any weirder?

"She'll take her meds for a while..."

Lesbianism requires meds?

"But as soon as she's off them she's right back to being crazy!"

Perhaps the medicine is because she's naturally crazy, but what does that have to do with her being gay?

"Our mom is bi-polar too..."

Still? Does their dad know she's sleeping around with women? Her mom never seemed like the kind of woman that would sleep around, but maybe if they have an arrangement of some sort...


And I thought this for the next two years until someone else started to tell of their experiences with bi-polar disorder and actually went to the lengths to explain it. I never admitted to either of them I had no idea what they were talking about, but it's a story I've carried with me forever.
So remember children, ask questions, but never make assumptions, or you might end up telling your friend not to be so hard on her experimenting sister who fancies both genders.


Back to your regularly scheduled programming very soon.

In Case You Missed It: Week 2

Week 2 has passed and week 3 is upon us! Subscribe to the page via the Subscription Center on the site, or to the livejournal syndicated feed to follow along!

FAQ's, Who's Who?, Intro

Last week on The Shady Stix Sketch Show:

Mon:
What shows didn't make the cut? Find out HERE!

Shareice Moore finds out what happens when African Americans are reacted too based on meaningless stereotypes. Follow her journey HERE!

Tue:
Ms. Desdemona tells it like it T-I-IS in our latest advice column HERE!

Enjoy the soothing, thoughtful Haiku of Brett HERE!

Wed:
Need help figuring out if your man is down low or upfront? Find out some tell-tell signs HERE!

Thu:
What's your sign and what does it mean for you personally? Like, really personally? Take a walk with TheGirlisCrazy and find out HERE!

Fri:
What happens when two cultures can't exist under the same roof? Find out with Cerebralshrike HERE!

Shareice has bared the cold, dark world of discrimination, but now she's coming in with some hottness and a new 'fro. See what happens in the conclusion of our first ep of Assimilation Nation HERE!

Next week on The Shady Stix Sketch Show:

-- Advice From Someone Who Knows f. NCog & Nita Page!
-- Haiku Tuesdays w/Brett
-- More Where's Down Low? and other randomness.
-- Continuation of The Church Girl Chronicles: Heaven Can Wait!


Tune in every weekday for something new!

Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad - What's In A Mane? Pt. 2

Last time on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad, we followed Shareice to work and saw what happened when we did her hair in a way that was different from the norm yet fitting with some of the stereotypes and biases that face African Americans on a daily basis. The next day we dressed Shareice in her normal business attire, but this time fitted her with a glorious black power Afro. It spanned two feet and was rounder than Mother Earth itself. Shareice does one simple reshaping before heading into the office building. The change is instantly noticeable.


8AM: Shareice walks into the building where several of the African American associates were sleeping on blankets on the lower level. An overseer sits in the corner napping with a walky-talky in his belt. Shareice grabs the walky-talky, finds the nearest desk and stands upon it.

Shareice: ATTENTION AFRO AMERICAN ASSOCIATES OF WENTWORTH MILLER!

The associates on the ground floor wake up with a start. Shareice looks up and sees other associates peering tentatively over the railings above. They see her powerfulness and begin to join together.

Shareice: CHANGE! Is coming. UNGAWA!!!!!!

Afro American Associates: UNGAWA!!!

The contingent stands up and rids themselves of their oppressive clothing trading it instead for designer suites, Kente cloth, and glorious hair. The overseer wakes up and notices the disturbance. He reaches for his walky-talky and frowns in dismay as he realizes it's gone. Shareice holds it high in the air and smiles proudly.

Shareice: You lookin' for THIS boss?!

She turns the radio to all frequencies and delivers a message to the higher-ups.

Shareice: REVOLUTION IS UPON YOU! YOU WILL BOW DOWN! RISE UP AFRIKAN PEOPLES, RISE UP AND TAKE WHAT IS YOURS! Now, where are my messages?

Rachelle: Right here soul sister! You have a meeting with that jive honky Mr. Johnson in an hour.

Shareice: Thank you Sister Rachelle, power to the people.

Rachelle: Right on!

Shareice makes her way to the elevator and is met by Paul who has a cup of coffee for her.

Paul: I know you take it black, just like me.

They board the elevator which stops as normal on the 15th floor. John is standing there looking dejected. Out of Shareice's sight we see a group of black men on either side of the elevator watching in a menacing manner.

John: Shareice hi!

He runs on the elevator making sure not to muss the Afro.

John: Soo.. what was all the business yesterday? Ahem, umm.. it was pretty crazy, huh? You know I'm not usually so-

Shareice: Funny John, I don't remember telling you to speak.

John: Ma'm, yes ma'm!


9AM: Shareice goes to her office to prepare for the meeting with John. She comes out later and goes to the mailcenter to make copies. She runs into Carole.

Shareice: Good morning Carole.

Carole: Hmph, some morning, it seems something has gotten into the water.

Shareice: Oh really? How do you mean?

Carole: Well for one thing, you have different hair again.

Shareice: I'm sure I don't look like a Stephanie today.

Carole: No, but I prefer it.

Shareice: Then you also prefer my foot up your whitey ass and you'll get that preference if you call me out my name again White Devil!

Carole: BRING IT ON! You think this changes anything girl? You think just because you come sporting some Afro it makes anything different? I OWN YOU!

Shareice: Oh hayle naw she didn't! AHHH!!!

Shareice rushes Carole slamming her into the north wall. Carole karate chops her in the back and sends her flying across the room. Shareice recovers before hitting the ground and tumbles into an expert back hand stand inverted lotus kick.

Shareice: My people have suffered in this place long enough. That ends today.

Carole: You are nothing and your people are even less. You gave us the reigns yesterday, and today we will tighten them!

Shareice: Yeawwww!

Shareice roundhouse kicks Carole to the gut and plants her on the ground.

Shareice: Now you listen woman. You had your time to shine, but today is a day for reawakening. Today is about the future, and that future is BLACK! Now what's my name?

Carole: Your name is Ste-

Shareice: MY NAME IS WHAT?!

Carole: Shareice! Your name is Shareice.

Shareice gives Carole a final headbutt knocking her unconscious.

Shareice: And don't you forget it bitch.

She grabs her stack of reports and leaves the room to finish readying for her meeting.


10AM: Shareice walks into the office of Irv Johnson ready for the follow-up meeting from yesterday's contract signings. Irv has his back to her and is rustling through some papers in a file cabinet across the room.

Shareice: Good morning Irv.

Irv: Damnit Stephanie, it's Mast-

Irv turns around to see an angry black woman in an Afro that only seems to be growing larger.

Shareice: Irving I have known you for more than seven years. I was there when your first child was born. Now I don't know what the hell got into you, but that ends today. My name is Shareice, and you will congratulate me on the fine work I did to commandeer that contract yesterday. And you will do it now before I beat you down.

Irv: Ma'm yes ma'm! Shareice ma'm, congratulations on the work you did to bring us the account. You will be duly compensated in your next check!

Shareice: Good, thank you Irving.

Irv: Permission to be frank, ma'm?

Shareice: Permission granted.

Irv: You look so regal and beautiful, I was wondering if perhaps you might want some milk in your coffee today?

Shareice: Irving!

Irv: I love you Ms. Shareice!

Shareice: Irving we're going to close up these contracts and delegate their maintenance tasks to the responsible parties and we'll never speak of this again!

Irv: It's because I'm white isn't it?

Shareice: Irv what did I just say!?

Irv: Yes ma'm, business only ma'm!


12PM: After the meeting Shareice remembers to go to legal to check on Melvin. She boards the elevator where she sees John is now acting as operator.

John: Which floor my Ebony Goddess?

Shareice: Take me to legal please.

John: With pleasure Mistress Moore.

Shareice arrives and notices that Melvin's office is no longer a windowless room in the back, but instead the coveted corner office with views of the growing city.

Melvin: Shareice, welcome, come in and talk with me!

Shareice enters the office to see the man who acted originally as overseer was no shining Melvin's shoes.

Shareice: Well Melvin, I see a lot has changed up here.

Melvin: It certainly has Shareice, let's talk. You may go Johnson.

Johnson: Yes sir, thank you, it was an honor adding brilliance to your footwear.

Melvin: That's enough William.

William leaves the room as Melvin points to a straw chair with a wide peacock style back and a red velvet cushion.

Melvin: Have a seat dear.

Shareice: Melvin, when I started this experiment I had no idea what reactions would occur, but I certainly wasn't ready for the way a simple hairstyle effected everyone so much.

Melvin: The effects on the white people were important Shareice, but what was even more surprising, especially to myself were the response from your fellow colleagues of color. I find when people are forced to fend for their lives, they will instinctually split into the contingent that fights, and the contingent that goes along with the flow hoping for a natural change.

The wounds of slavery are deep in this country and penetrate not just the hearts, but also the minds and souls of those effected by it. Yesterday was nothing compared to the centuries our people have suffered. It was so easy to regress back into those old methods, but I'm glad to see it was easier to come out when given a leader.

Shareice: It was so hard though Melvin. When Carole called me Stephanie it was as if my whole sense of identity flew out the window. My entire morale came crashing down over something so simple. I've worked so hard to get where I am, always with the issue of my race just on the inside of my peripheral vision. I lost sight of it and assumed that now these people will accept me because of the wonderful work I've done. It only took one day for them to see me differently and respond in a negative manner! It's completely unfair.

Melvin: It is unfair, but right now that's life. As a woman, as an African American, and specifically as an African American woman it is up to you to cultivate and cater your own sense of self worth, because no one else is going to do it for you. It's going to be hard, but until times change you have to be strong and confident and not allow anyone to redefine or take away who you are.

Shareice: That's easier said than done Melvin.

Melvin: But it can be done Shareice, it must. Now you and I need to clean up this mess. Yesterday was one extreme and today was quite the other. I suggest we get together and bring this office to a compromise we can all live with.

Shareice: I agree. Thank you Melvin.


Shareice and Melvin spend the rest of day putting discrimination and harassment stipulations into the company's mission statement. They hold workshops on diversity and really get the co-workers not only to open up about their grievances, but put plans into action of how to satiate those concerns.

We will check back with Shareice at the end of our journey, but first we must go to another location to test another type of discrimination.

Thom Jones (and yes, he's heard it before) is a young homosexual man that happens to be very flamboyant. We will place him in an office environment with Steven Thompson who is also homosexual but much more introverted. How will the two of them together effect their environment and what kind of challenges will they face separately and together?

Find out next time on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad.

Culture Clash: Tales From the Couch f. CerebralShrike

Follow CerebralShrike as he delves into the hearts and minds of a couple on the edge of a culture clash. Despite their love for each other Quashonnan (Shannon) Perry and Santiago Ibarra find themselves often misunderstanding and misinterpreting their unique ethnic differences.

As they approach the alter to solidify themselves as one, they must first learn how to function as individuals and accept each others as proud representatives of their heritage.

Shannon and Santiago will each attend a counseling session separately and then together to see if they can create a bond using only the culture of love.

********

Session One: Santiago Speaks:

I need your help, doc. As you know, I've been dating Shannon for about two years now. Out of either sheer insanity or something, I proposed to her recently. It was all good until I noticed that we were starting to not get along so well. Of course, all couples go through that phase. It started when she she moved her things into my place. I know, I know. We're living in sin. I've heard it from her parents, who by the way, still think I'm some kind of handyman. I swear, her mom called me at 2:00am the other night to replace the lightbulb in her porchlight. What the hell? This after countless times I've been called over to fix their sink and respackle a wall. They act like I spend my entire day outside the Home Depot waiting for them to call me!

Her parents are cool, I guess, when they are not treating me like an immigrant who just crossed the border. I thought I was going to have to cuss one of them out the other night when they asked me what part of Mexico I'm from when they know good and damn well I'm from Detroit. Oh, and Shannon doesn't want me to say anything. It's almost like, "my parents are racist assholes, but don't say anything to them." Like, because they're black they can get away with that shit? Now, when someone tells you something like that, what are you going to do?

A great example would be the other night when we all went to dinner at some downtown bistro. I haven't had a job for about a month. In fact, I've been living off savings for awhile. Why, oh why does her mother pick that night to mess with me about that? So I let out a yawn toward the end of the night. Big deal, right? No, she had to pick at it. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her that I was tired. "Hard day at the office?" She asked as she took a long sip from her wine glass. (She drinks like a fish) Hell no! I wasn't taking that. So I shot back with, "yes, cutting lawns is very tiring work." I felt a hard nudge in the ribs at that very moment. Shannon was very displeased. Her mother looked at me as if I had three heads, or something.

Shannon can't cook. I asked her to make me some smothered chicken with mashed potatoes and jiffy cornbread. She laughed at me. Then she told me that she wanted some enchiladas, tamales, and tacos. Do I look like taco bell? My mother, out of the goodness of her heart, tried to teach Shannon how to make her tortillas. I think she burned about eight of them before my mother just gave up on her.

She has habits, too. She insisted putting her own digital alarm clock in the bedroom, instead of mine. My digital alarm clock is simple. It comes with the basic alarm sound, not the newfangled way of doing things. I mean...who wants to hear music in the morning? It actually puts me to sleep. That familiar beeping noise is a-okay with me. That first morning with her alarm clock I was awaken to the sounds of one of her gospel cds. It was very loud, and for a moment, I really, really, hated The Winans.

Why is she even playing gospel? She never goes to church; only on Easter and whenever they have fellowship dinner at her church. She dragged me to that church once. I have to say, her pastor is a bit odd. I mean, the man preaches at one of the poorest churches in town and he drives a brand-new maroon Cadillac, and owns half the houses on his block. On top of all that, he even owns a tiny strip mall nearby.

"I'm tired of watching BET," I say to her one evening, as we lay about on the couch. "Can we watch something else?"

"My movie is on."

"It's Sugar hill. They've been showing it all week. You own the damn thing on DVD!"

"Hersh! They're coming back from commercial."

"You own the damn movie on DVD!!"

"Are you going to be quiet or not?"

"It's been edited for content? They can't even show half the movie cause it's on basic cable!"

"If you keep this up I'm going to the bedroom."

I sometimes wish she would go back to the Shannon that I knew before I proposed. The Shannon I knew before she moved in and I saw all her weird quirks. To be totally honest, before I met her folks, I thought she was the nicest, sweetest woman I'd ever met. She sides with them a lot, as well as the rest of her family. When her cousin, who sells bootleg clothes out of the back of her truck, tried to play me over ten dollars on a pair of pants, I went on a tirade about it, in my own house, and Shannon just goes off on me for talking about her cousin. Mind you, I just got taken for ten dollars...I should be able to say what I want in my own crib.

Once again, sometimes...sometimes I really do wish I hadn't met her in that club. And sometimes I wish that I hadn't given her the eye. The way she was wearing that dress was killing me that night. Perhaps if my hormones weren't on overload, I wouldn't have went over and bought her that drink.

At the end of the day, though, I straight up love her.

***********************

What's Shannon got to say about all this? Find out next time on Culture Clash: Tales From the Couch.

Ask A ____ : Advice From TheGirlIsCrazy, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: The Girl is Crazy!
I am astrologer ordinaire (no, that is not a typo) and I can accurately tell you about yourself just by looking at your birthchart! “How?! How can you be so prescient?” You ask. And I answer: I am a Virgo Sun with a Leo ascendant, which means I’m consciously motivated by the need to always be right., so don’t question me bitches, just trust me when I say I will take care of all the details and make sure everything looks flawless when I’m done.

Now, in order to get a proper, full reading, I must know your date and place of birth and EXACT time of birth (disclaimer: I will not be responsible for inaccurate readings due to an incorrect birthtime), copy of birth certificate and Social Security Card, one credit card number (you will be billed after receiving your reading), three non-familial references, and a blood sample entered into the tamper-proof container that I mail to you. I will not accept blood samples sent to me in Mason jars, sippy cups, zip-loc bags, Cool-Whip containers, or whatever random container you found lying around that you aren’t using for anything else. If you don’t send it in the contamination-proof container that I send you I will throw it away immediately, b/c I don’t know what disease you may have running in your veins and I ain’t taking no chances. On a similar note, do NOT get confused and send me a urine sample or else I will show up at your doorstep with said urine sample and dump it on your head.

Now, if you are not quite ready to commit to receiving a full reading, but have a specific question for which you seek my advice, I will be more than happy to answer it, and I only need your date, exact time, and place of birth for that. For questions related to relationships (i.e., should I ask her out, are we meant to be together, is this relationship worth saving, how do I trick this person into dumping me so I won’t have to deal with the guilt and/or craziness that will ensue if I dump him/her), I really need the charts of both parties in question so that I can do a synastry chart for the couple. However, I can still answer your questions if you only send me your chart; your answer will simply be more one-sided – that is, it will relate more to your side of the relationship than it will to the other person.

Q.

I am a man in my 20's and I still haven't found the love of my life. There is a certain girl that I like, but certain circumstances are keeping us apart. Mainly the fact that she's my rehab nurse and I'm trying to curb this severe cocaine addiction. We have great talks, and I really want to ask her out (when I'm able to leave as mandated in the court order), should I?

Restless in rehab,

John Doe Birthdate: 3/22/78

A. Well, John, that's quite a predicament you've got there. Looking at your chart, I see you have Pluto and Uranus in the fourth house (the house of the home and family life, especially regarding the mother). Pluto indicates that you had a rather tumultuous, unstable childhood, while Uranus just signifies general wackiness – like the real reason your household was so unstable was because your parents were members of the circus and left you alone for weeks or even months at a time while they were on the road. I'd also venture to guess that your mother was the double-jointed, bowlegged bearded lady in that circus, b/c that's the kind of wacky shit that Uranus would be amused by. Strange planet, that Uranus.

I am not sure you would make the best boyfriend – while it's commendable that you're trying to clean up your act, I think you're either going to fall off the wagon again, or you're going to constantly depend on your significant other to support you and/or keep you clean all the time. Your Sun squares Jupiter, meaning your life so far is pretty much one wide road to hell paved with a whole lot of good intentions. Combined with Saturn squaring Uranus – indicating bossiness and fear of change - you'll probably be the take-charge, stand-up kind of guy who is very charming to a woman at first, and then before the month is out you've moved in with her and two months after that, all you do is sit on the couch all day surrounded by empty beer cans and barking demands at said woman b/c you're too mean and lazy and dumb to get off your ass and do it yourself, and you're too insecure to apply for just about any job (you convince yourself that you wouldn't get it anyway b/c you'd fail the drug test).

Now, that all sounds harsh, but that's what I see. I suggest concentrate fully on getting clean first and becoming self-sufficient, and finally admitting to yourself that you aren't the brightest light bulb in the socket - the sooner you learn that, the sooner you will learn to keep yourself out of trouble. After all that, you can think about starting a relationship with someone. You just aren't mentally or emotionally cut out for one right now. If your nurse has any sense she would probably (politely) turn you down, anyway.

Q.

My boyfriend and I have recently broken up. My problem is that he still wants to ask questions about what I'm doing, and who I'm doing it with. His excuse is that he needs some time to get over our relationship and still feels attached. How do I get him to back off?

Smothered in San Francisco,

James Downey Birthdate 9/3/1982

A. James, I don't think you really want him to leave you alone so much as you just don't appreciate being questioned. You have Uranus in the seventh house (long-term relationships), sign of Sagittarius, which tells me you are a whore. Not making a judgment call there, just saying. Uranus is all about change and Sag's about the biggest whore sign in the zodiac, with the possible exception of Libra. You enter relationships suddenly and with much passion but end them abruptly as soon as there is a sign that it might actually work for once; anything that isn't dysfunctional bores and frightens you. Now, Venus is in 5 th house (short term love affairs, fun and games) and Leo, which means you don't want people to actually * gasp * forget you exist! You just want them to be there on those rare nights when the other side of your bed is empty, and then to conveniently fuck off when it's not, and never forget you're the star so don't question your motives, and so on.

Uranus is sesquare to your Imum Coeli (IC) in Cancer, the cusp of the fourth house. [snip] I suspect that your mother was very loving towards you (albeit slightly smothering) when she was single, but when she was in a relationship tended to ignore you or prioritized her current partner over you [snip] so I'll guess that she was actually a pimp, which is why you were less important – she placed priority on the money her hoes brought in. Now, as an adult, you relive this home life to an extent, as you bounce from lover to lover and find yourself in relationships with loving but smothering people, and bailing out as soon as you sense the relationship might actually be stable.

In regards to the ex in question – I see that your descendant (DC) lies in Scorpio; the DC often indicates what qualities or type of mate we are attracted to. If there is any Scorpion influence in his chart, then there is a quick explanation for why he keeps asking you what you're doing and who you're with. Scorpios become easily obsessed and possessive about almost anything, and once they've had you, in their minds, they'll always have you. They don't even have to love or care about you that much most of the time – you know how some bodily functions are involuntary, and our bodies stop doing them we'll die? Well, Scorpios have four involuntary functions: Stalking, having sex, breathing, and having sex. In that order. Chances are good he probably already knows the answers to the questions he asks, but he just wants to see what answers you're going to give him so he'll know how much to not trust you.

Of course, I say all this with the assumption that he's a Scorpio. For all I know he's a Pisces and he's just being a whiny emo bitch. Or he's a Libra, and he's a codependent bitch (but not as whiny). Or he's a Cancer, and he's just being a bitch, period. I can't accurately tell you how to get rid of him without seeing his chart, too. For the moment, just ignore his phone calls, change your number, check into getting a restraining order, and/or move to another city.


Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Sick....

Got a summer cold, too much shade!

"Ask A" advice column will appear tomorrow and new content over the weekend.

I'm going back to bed! ;)

Where's Down Low?

The whole concept of "Down Low" is one that sickens me. Seriously, if you want to be gay be gay, you want to be straight with a wife and kids, be straight with a wife and kids, but the two should not mix (umm, unless there's a spoken or written agreement between all the parties invo- you know what? NO!).

The other side of the equation is how this effects gay men. Those who are out and openly proud being forced to scramble down fire escapes or pretending they're the daft pizza boys.

What's a man looking for an honest man to do? How can we suss out which men are going to be faithful and which are going to try to pass you off as their long lost cousin from Poughkeepsie who just wanted a really long hug?

You can help their wives by pointing out the signs to them. I've created a little game below to identify which side of the line the man you both crave walks. If you can find the man in the picture, odds are he's yearning for some manly lovin'.

Can You Find Him?

Haiku Tuesdays With Brett

F. Brett Jenkins, poet extraordinaire.

bears will eat children
flesh and teeth all asunder
crying for their moms

...---***---***---...

a pair of squirrels on the chase.

maybe they're in love
or maybe they're nuts

Ask A ____ : Advice From Desdemona the Diva, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy
protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

Next Up: Desdemona, the Diva

Mix a little red tongue with a penchant for truth-telling and vodka in equal parts, shake, serve ice cold and you would have the diva known as Desdemona. Your friends lie to you, your parents don't want to hurt your feelings and haters take too much joy in killing your delusions.

Desdemona isn't a friend, family member or hater. She's a lover – of common sense and grown folk who act grown. Should you fall short on either of those she's here to tell you what no one else will, out of love.

Sure, love burns sometimes but it just makes the afterglow all the more sweeter don't you think? Visit Desdemona's real life altar ego at tressiemc.com or get more of the Double D Diary-style truth telling at her AC home.

Q. Do men ever change? I have a man who says he is going to change for the
better, for his children and myself, but I don't see that happening. I'm taking
care of his two kids and his ex wife's daughter and it seems like they both walk
all over me! Help! What do I do?

Mary Effing Poppins

Dear MEP,

Do men ever change? Sure. They get worse and then they die, all changes in the purest sense of the word.

However, I believe you're asking if YOU can change a man. I like to address such wistful thinking with the following cold, hard, mocha-colored reality: Halle Berry has been beat, cheated on and treated like a sideline ho. Now, if the walking coke-bottle frame with multi-racial beat-off potential and good hair has been unable to "change" a man, what makes you think that a chick working for her next paycheck can do much better?

I say this with love MEP because I am a woman's woman. I love women in the no-I-don't-want-to-rub-vajayjays-with-you kind of way. It is that love of women that makes me want to shake the body waste, lovingly, out of them every time I hear this foolishness.

The real question you should be asking is not do men change or can you change them but why should you have to? Unless you have sewed your love hole shut you hold a position of power in the male-female dynamic. That you have men and even children walking all over you suggests that you have given so much of this power away that you have forgotten it even exists.

That is why I am here – to remind you of who you are. You are a woman. You are the keeper of the hole. You are a human being deserving of respect and happiness and love. I know all of this to be true but it matters naught if you do not.

So, here's my advice MEP. I want you to buy a clean day planner. Then I want you to figure out your hourly rate of pay at the job I'm sure you have because trifling ass men never bamboozle broke chicks. For the next month I want you to record every minute of the day you spend doing for this man and his evil kids. At the end of the month you are to total up the time you have spent caring for this man's needs, multiply it by your hourly rate of pay and add an additional $50 for ever good nut you ever gave him - $100 if you didn't get one too – and arrive at a total.

Then write his ass a bill and a Dear Raheem note.

Men do not change.
Why should they when some woman like you is always willing to settle for him unchanged?

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. My fiancé has just told me he is bisexual. He said that he has never told
anyone else and has hidden it from me until now. I cried all night and I have
many self-esteem problems. He also said that if he were in my shoes he would end
the relationship but he's glad that I haven't. He promises that once we're
married he'll always be true. What should I do?

Desperate for the Down
Low

A. I have really got to get into the minister/justice of the peace business. It's like being Houdini or that freaky white guy who tries to convince me that the work of the devil is "magic". I mean, they say a few words they didn't even write, charge fools $300 a pop and are seen as miracle workers!

And that is what you're thinking will happen isn't it, DDL? A miracle?

Don't feel bad. Lots of women make the same foolish mistake. They have dreamt of those age-old words being uttered to them by some drunken bastard for so long that they have imbued them with a power they never had.

Weddings are not magical DDL. Most of the time they aren't even fun. Black folk don't RSVP, guests show up late, drink too much of the liquor you paid for and tulle itches like a summunabeyotch. At the end of it you'll be tired and broke with appliances you could have brought your own self from Target.

Yep, weddings suck, for the bride most of all – all those failed expectations and such. So why in the world would you think that an event that cannot even manage to entertain drunkards will somehow transform your mate's sexual orientation? If dude likes the hang of a nice salami on the morning of your wedding he's gonna like one even more when the biological thrill of the chase wears off five minutes into your honeymoon. If anything, marriage stands to turn him 100 proof gay. I mean, have you seen yourself with 15 marriage pounds with bedhead and a bad attitude over dirty laundry? Well, when he sees it chances are excellent he'll be having wet dreams about thin, out-of-his-league Sanjaya look-a-likes.

You say your self-esteem is shattered and that he wouldn't blame you for ending your relationship. Somehow I'm thinking he was hoping you'd have just enough esteem to do just that. Now he has to figure out how to meet men on Craigslist between runs to the store for "bread and milk". You are really effin this thing up for everyone.

Fortunately, there is still time for you to redeem yourself and the already dying institution of opposite-sex marriage. Get out now, not because he is bisexual, but because it obviously bothers you and you don't have enough sense of self to protect your own interests.

You do not deserve to get married to anyone, be they straight or gay. Self-esteem is a function of self and marriage is pretty much the antithesis of self. Spend some time with you, on you, for you before you go and trap some poor guy into a life of parking lot blowjobs.

He deserves better. And so do you, you just don't know it yet.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Want to write the columnists about their advice or with new
questions?

Send an email to shadystix@gmail.com or comment below!

Assimilation Nation: Tossing the Americ an Salad - What's In a Mane? Pt. 1

Welcome back to Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad.

Once again, I am your conductor on this train to enlightenment, Bruno Sharpei. Our first experiment involves Shareice Moore. Shareice is a small town girl who, due to being raised in the suburbs I assume, experienced covert racism on an astounding level.

Shareice: No one was really open about it, but they would just say things that wouldn't sit right with me. All of my friends were white, even everyone in my church was white, so when I heard something uncomfortable for me racially I wasn't quite sure where to reach out.

Shareice, please give us some examples to better illustrate your point.

Shareice: Well a large one happened when I went to a Cure Revival concert with my friends. I had a lot of people asking whether or not I was in the right place, since it wasn't a Hip Hop concert, or if I was there to add some r&b flare to the thing. There was also some talk of “filling the quota” that I didn't understand so I didn't respond to. The thing was that many of these people felt themselves to be liberal or open-minded and understanding so it was even harder to voice my discomfort, with thought that I may be too “PC”.

Shareice's experiment will involve certain stereotypes that have been placed on her racial community and how that stereotype effects the reactions of those around her and in turn how they affect her.

The title of this Case Study will be “What's In A Mane?” We will take Shareice and dress her in her normal business attire and insert her into a standard day at the office. The difference will be that instead of a bun or bob, her hair will be braided into identical plaits on either side of her head. To add credence to these plaits they will involved her hair in a natural state. Featuring rough, tight curls that when brushed creates rustic waves leading into more puffed plaits. Each with be banded and rolled over at the end.

Now the differences that we've highlighted may seem minor and nearly inconsequential but as we'll see the effects of racism are inherent and though the original responses may seem slight the resulting outcomes have the ability to grow exponentially thus perhaps creating a debilitating sense of worth in our participant.

We'll follow Shareice throughout the day and record the events of said day on an hourly basis.

Scene: Shareice works at Wentworth Miller & Associates in downtown Sioux Falls, SD. She is an accounts representative and holds frequent meetings with executives in associate offices around the city and state. She earns a very good salary and has positive rapport with her coworkers and clients. She's made sure that she falls into the corporate mold and always adopts a “professional” appearance. She goes the extra mile and makes sure that nothing on her person stands out in a negative way by wearing neutral colors and making sure her hair is tame and the same everyday.

Shareice: It's completely different from the way I was in college, but I found that the way I did my hair seemed to affect the way that some reacted to me, so I stopped being creative and started to assimilate. It's worked for me in the office, but I wonder what would happen if I were to push the envelope in one direction. Despite knowing me for so long would my colleagues treat me any differently if they saw me in a different way?

Let's find out Shareice. We'll begin your day, right now.

8AM: Shareice enters into the building in her usual get up but with her hair in the state described above. Immediately the receptionist, who is also African American takes notice.

Rachelle: Hey Shareice! Umm, what's up with the slave hair?

Shareice: Excuse me?

Rachelle: The Miss Celie braids? What's that all about? You know where we work, right?

Shareice: Rachelle I was just trying something new, I hardly think of them as “slave braids” my goodness.

Rachelle: Whatever, here's your messages.

Shareice feels a bit put off but decides to brush the incident away and makes her way into the company elevator. On her way to the 30^th floor they stop to pick up some people on the 15^th. Two of her associates, John & Terrence begin to get on but stop upon seeing her.

John: So, they're taking the elevator now?

Shareice: Yes John, I always take the elevator.

John stares at her coldly and Shareice begins to shrink slightly.

John: We'll wait for the next car.

Shareice: What? Joh-

Shareice is cut off when the door suddenly closes. She turns to her Caucasian suite mate Paul beside her,

Shareice: Paul what's going on today?

Paul winks at her and motions his head to the security cameras in the elevator. He puts his back to the camera and has a pad with a message on it pointed towards Shareice.

“If you need a way out, I can help you. The codeword is MOSES.”

Shareice is bewildered and makes her way quickly out of the elevator.

Paul: So I'll look forward to hearing from you about that proposition Shareice. We ALL will!

9AM: Shareice has been in her office returning calls and leaves to make some copies in the floor's mail center. She is collating her documents when Carole from marketing comes in. Carole is Shareice's superior and they have a congenial yet stilted work relationship.

Shareice: Good morning Carole!

Carole: Good morning Shar! Well look at you, your hair is different! I love it!

Shareice: R-really? Wow, that's great. You know I've only been in the office for a little bit today and I've gotten the oddest-

Carole: Yeah, it reminds me of a little sla- umm, French school girl.

Shareice: Really, because it didn't seem like that's what you were going to-

Carole: It's just precious, really it is! Except you look less like a Shareice and more like a... we'll say Stephanie. Yes, Stephanie.

Shareice: Umm, okay Carole, but there's no reason for that, my name is Shareice and I love my-

Carole: I'm going to call you Stephanie! It will be fun!

Shareice: I would rather you not, mostly because that's not my-

Carole: Look Stephanie, I'm trying to be perfectly reasonable with you-

Shareice: Carole please stop interrupting me! I am trying to tell you-

Carole: When did we get so familiar Stephanie? I think you should call me Mrs. Kowalski. And your insubordinate behavior will not be forgotten in your yearly review.

Shareice: What? My review isn't for another six months, and I've always called you Carole.

Carole: Well Stephanie, things are different now. I think there's something in the air, but the times are changing, and I like it. Get me some coffee and have it in my office in 20 minutes.

Shareice: Wait, you have an assistant for that, Car- Mrs. Kowalski! What's going on today!?

10AM: Shareice has a meeting with a prospective client. It's an important account and she has a preliminary meeting with her supervisors to straighten out the details before the clients arrive.

Irv Johnson (Vice CEO, marketing): Good morning Stephanie, good to see you on time.

Shareice: How.. I mean, sir, you know my name is-

Irv: That's hardly consequential right now Stephanie, I'd like to read over your presentation did you bring it with you?

Shareice: Well of course I did, but you've never proofed any of my documents in the past, why-

Irv: There's always room for change Stephanie, gotta keep your kind on your p's and q's.

Shareice: Why is everyone interrupting me to- wait, “my kind”? What exactly is my kind, sir?

Irv: I'd appreciate it if you not look me in the eye Stephanie, especially not in front of the client. Now normally we would let one of our more acceptable representatives do the presentation, but this firm takes kindly to those of your influence. As long as you're willing to participate we should be able to close the deal with little to no issue.

Shareice: Participate how, sir?

Irv: Oh you know Stephanie, just be pleasing, give them what they want.

Shareice: ...Superior service?

Irv: Whatever you want to call it, Stephanie. I'll let you change into something a little more appropriate. Perhaps something with an apron...

Shareice: Sir! I am NOT changing into-

Irv: I guess it's not necessary, you won't have it on tha-

Joe: Irv the clients are here.

Shareice: WAIT! I won't have what on? What are you talking about Irv?

Irv: The name is Master Johnson Stephanie, and the only reason I'm letting you get away with this lip is because you've been under my service for a while and we've become familiar. You will not pull this sassy crap in front of the client, is that clear? I swear, your kind has pulled some sort of revolution around here, it's time to get you back in line.

Shareice is shocked into silence and unable to respond due to the incoming clients. She carries the presentation off with little to no effect and thinks everything may have settled or been in her head. She begins to carry her head high after the successful meeting and goes to see the lawyers to process the newly signed contracts. She walks to the office of Melvin Brown, an African American colleague that originally suggested the firm to her over seven years ago.

12PM: Shareice walks into Melvin's office and stops dead in her tracks at the site before her. Instead of office furniture there is a lone grinding stone in the middle of the office. There are sickles, hoes, and rakes littered around the room and Melvin is sharpening a blade on the grinding stone when Shareice enters. Over his expensive Armani career wear he is wearing faded torn overalls and a straw hat on his head. Behind him there is a white man previously unknown to Shareice who is chewing a piece of straw and... whistling Dixie.

Shareice: M- Melvin, I was... umm, on my way to lunch, but I wanted to talk to you about-

Melvin: You see I'm busy Steffie, can't talk right now.

Shareice: Melvin what's going on? Who is this man?

Man: Don't matter who I am, what matters is why you ain't brought my beans and rice.

Melvin: What you done Steffie? What you done?

Man: Where're my beans girl?!

Melvin: Run Steffie, run like the wind!

Shareice turns and begins to walk briskly towards the elevator. She passes Carole who is on the phone.

Carole: One is getting away, alert security!

Shareice panics and breaks into a brisk run towards the elevator. As it open she sees John with a potato sack and a devilish grin. She runs away from the elevator.

John: Stephanie wait, come back, I have something I need to- Damnit! Close off the perimeter!

Shareice runs into the supply closet where she sees Paul. She runs to Paul with a pleading in her eyes and he nods.

Paul: What's the password, Shareice?

Shareice: You called me Shareice!

Paul: There's no time, what's the password?!

Shareice: MOSES!

Paul: Let's go.

Shareice was unable to give us the details of her exit because to do so would compromise the integrity of their exit strategy, but we're glad to report she made it out safely though slightly worse for wear.

Shareice: That was enough. I took the rest of the day off, I couldn't. I didn't know what to do, i just couldn't take it anymore.

Though the experiment was ended prematurely I believe that we gathered enough data to adequately fuel our results.

Join us next week on Assimilation Nation: Tossing the American Salad we will take Shareice and give her hair in the opposite direction. She will sport a proud indignant Afro and the results of this change and the reactions thereto will be recorded.

Rejected Show Pitches con...

While selecting the three shows to premiere for the site I found myself having to cast several ideas by the wayside. Though they are inventive, unique shows, I felt that some either wouldn't have the longevity needed, or simply weren't up to par.

I'm sure the selection process will interest you as much as it did me so I've decided to share a couple of the rejectees with you today. Maybe someday these ideas will see the light of day, but hopefully not...

Mixed Endings

We take happy endings and twist them to reflect real life situations.

Sample: Nice Looking Lady

A now dolled up prostitute enters into the same high end boutique that
rejected her business the last time she was there.

Shop assistant: Hello, can I help you?

Vivi Anne: I was in here yesterday, you wouldn't wait on me.

Shop assistant: Oh.

Vivi Anne: You people work on commission, right?

Shop assistant: Yeah.

Vivi Anne: Well... good call! Man, I was going to use the credit card that my john gave me and turns out that thing was maxed out! Then they had to indict him on federal charges for embezzlement or some bull like that, so your preconceived notion of me being poor trash was dead on child. I had to get this dress from Old Navy on sale!

(Another shopper looks Vivi Anne up and down)

Customer: You got that at Old Navy?

Vivi Anne: Yes girl, it was on sale too so I only had to pay like $15.

Customer: Oh my goodness, for $15 that's fabulous!

Vivi Anne: Right? And they gave me a coupon, you want one?

Rejected: High end boutiques be hatin'

Hermione and Ron's Amazing Technicolor Hollywood Adventures

f. Monk Seal

Monk Seal: Does she have a borken . button? Broken "." Button even

me: Nope she just thinks she's deep or something and not deeply incompacitated mentally

Monk Seal: Altho Borken Button would be an awesome Harry Potter name

me: That would be nice

Even the whole thing

Altho Borken Bottun
just to mix things up

Monk Seal: Nah for Harry Potter one of them has to be a real word
It's the "Made Up Word : Real Word" school of naming

me: Gotcha Altho Borken Button it is
You should Creative Commons it
And then sell it to JK

Monk Seal: Well tis too late now

me: SPINOFF!

Monk Seal: She's finished

me: So says she, heh

Monk Seal: Hermione moves to the WestCoast to start acting career?
And find love?

me: Yep, with Ron Weasley as her best friend/secret admirer
They've dealt with goblins and drago0ns
but can they deal with MGM studio heads?!
all rights reserved naturally

Monk Seal: Those wacky network executives
I know I can really relate

me: I'd like to think if Hermoine and Ron can, then you certainly can

Monk Seal: Maybe they'll have a wacky agent
I'm thinking...
Special Guest Star Katie Hopkins

me: You should write a sample for me, Hermoine trying to get a no nudity clause in her contract, Dr. Button helping them along the way. I could do it, but I don't know Potter speak

Rejected: You saw the chat, right? I have no idea what I'm talking about.

The Charming Electrician

A friendly charming electrician fixes his appliances not with technical skill but with sweetness and grace.

Sample: Toaster Roast

Mrs. Smith: Oh Mr. Charming, my toaster won't work. When I put a piece of bread in there it spurts and sparks and causes all manner of havoc! I don't know what to do!

Mr. Charming: Don't worry Mrs. Smith, I'll fix it so it's working perfectly. Can you give us a little time alone?

Mrs. Smith: Oh, well, okay! Sure. I'll be in the living room if you need anything!

Mr. Charming waits until Mrs. Smith has exited the room, then he begins to work his magic.

Mr. Charming: Hey Toaster, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are...?


Rejected: No, just... no.


Gay Celeb Matchup

First Ep: Skin Anansie & Me'Shell Ndegeocello




Me'Shell and Skin hit it off bonding over a love of Veganism, social justice, and Beyonce's jelly. We follow them through the LA underground as they enlighten and entice onlookers with their anarchist leanings and their awesome lesbian rock vibe.

Me'Shell: The only fur you should wear is me baby.

Skin: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rejected: Oddly very little love. After Bravo passed we stopped shopping it, because really? Bravo passing on reality gay TV means no one wants it. They must be racist. Sigh...