Ask A ____ : Advice From Gabriella Black, Someone Who Knows

Ever needed the answer to a question, but couldn't find the right person to ask? Well now you'll finally have top notch advice from the experts. Emo kids, what color of eye shadow really brings out angst? Militant blacks, where's the best place to find marker that won't smudge during rainy protests? Astrology buffs, what sign are you? Find all of that out and more in our bi-weekly advice column!

First up: Gabriella Black

My parental units call me Mary Grimaldi, but I call myself Gabriella Black. A thorn by any other name is still a thorn, you know? I'm stuck at no-name state university filled with fucktards who are either trust fund babies desperate to pretend they are not from some of the wealthiest 'burbs in the country or incredibly unremarkable losers incapable of doing anything besides watch anime or drink. Music is my world, the more cynical, the better. Tori Amos is my goddess, and Sufjan Stevens is my sex god. I hate romance and purple, boys who wear girl jeans, and anyone who wears plaid. Manipulative and fake people deserve to be shot, as does anyone who is under the illusion that they are a unique snowflake instead of the dilapidated piece of worthless matter that they really are. Anyone who calls themselves happy is overmedicated, in denial, or two seconds away from committing suicide at the next family get-together. No one should need sex, because life fucks you over every single day. I am an absolutely fabulous advice giver – I have a negative tolerance for stupidity, weakness, and melodrama.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. My boyfriend is wonderful and smart and strong. We've been together for four years and everything is going great. He just recently asked me to marry him and I can't think of any reason to say no! What do you think?

Genuinely Happy and in Love,

Beck Grossman


A. Dear Beck,

The fact that you felt the need to write to an advice columnist about this relationship that you think is oh-so-perfect indicates that you are incredibly insecure and probably don't have the emotional maturity to be married. God, you might as well bust out your magic 8-ball or play "He loves me, he loves me not". Big girls know that you don't go to strangers for validation. If you don't completely suck at being a person, you probably have friends that can shed some legitimate perspective on this situation. If you're really lucky, they may even be honest with you and won't allow you to enter into a fucked-up, unholy union. One can only hope.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

Q. I think my cat is depressed. It's lifeless anymore, it rarely eats, and it spends most of the day pushing around in the litter box. Recently my husband and I have been having some issues. I found out he runs a drug operation our of his workshed (he never lets me in there) and he found out about the affair I've been having with his jefe. I know it's best that we split up, but ever since we've been apart the cat has been so morose. Should we give it one more try for Snuggles McFurrybottom?

Feelings for a Feline,

Cassandra Waits


A. This inquiry is several levels of imbecilic. What kind of sane, well-adjusted person would ever, ever, in a million years dream of getting back together with someone who clearly had, like, negative respect for you. I'm sorry, the man who promised to love and cherish you forever (or whatever cheeseball vows he chose to take) does not decide to run a secret drug operation - he didn't even trust you enough to be his ride-or-die chick, woman. And to point out the obvious - sup, potential legal trouble? If you were driven to cheat on him, one of the most egregious relationship sins one can commit, then you clearly had no respect for this almost hilariously dysfunctional relationship. Force your cat to build a bridge and get over it. Kitty is probably going through withdrawals from whatever substances your husband is concocting.

'-^^\~~~/^^-'

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