Pilot - Priscilla: Queen of the Networks

Well hello there my little sugar dumplings! You have come from the furthest reaches of the interwebs to hear the tale of the fantastical Priscilla's adventures, and I have come to deliver. "Who are you?" you ask? Well have a seat my darlings, and allow me to introduce myself. I am Constance Felicity Welchwaller, Fairy Godmother extraordinaire! What? What's that? What do you mean there's no such thing as fairy godmothers? Well that's absolutely preposterous!

To say there are no fairy Godmothers is akin to saying there are no dreams and wishes, no hopes and aspirations. To not believe in a fairy godmother is to not have faith in the supernatural, to not believe in the fantasia that are the mysteries of this life. Do you remember as a child having an imaginary friend? I wonder sometimes, what happens to that imagination? When do we allow our thirst for the impossible to remain unquenched?

As a fairy godmother it is my job to guide your young, beautiful souls into childhood where many of you simply write me off as a subconscious hallucination. Some of you though -the very wise and creative I imagine- remember me and carry me with you in your hearts. Priscilla did, and this is her story. Come along won't you?


Yes my sweets, we are in Nebraska, and yes, there are sprawling cities with traffic and skyscrapers and big city luxuries, but this is not where our tale is set. We're going somewhere a bit more.. rural you could say. Lush, majestic cornfields sweep by us as we make our way from the Omaha metro to Ashland, Nebraska. Ashland houses the Lincoln Water Purification Center, the Crazy Cracker seasonal fireworks display, and a population brimming at over 3,000. The people that make up this town are all meek and humble country folk just living to make it through the day. They enjoy the simple pleasures of life and have no need for modern day distractions like tv or the internet.

Priscilla: "How the hell did I end up here?"

It's an important question indeed. Our heroine Priscilla is a small town girl with big city stars in her eyes. Her roots though are not so humble. You may recall hearing of the traveling Perkins, her family's roaming vaudeville troupe? Well if you haven't I highly recommend taking time to see some of their performances. They are truly stars in their own right but Priscilla has more than aspirations of following in their footsteps to local stardom.

Priscilla: "Not just aspirations baby, plans! I'm gonna be huge, I can feel it. I'm going to entertain the world!"

This may seem to be a tall order for our Priscilla, but she's a woman who knows that large tasks come in smaller sections and she would first need to take step one.

Priscilla: "I've got to get the hell up out of here!"

As easy as this first task sounds, it's much more daunting in execution. For you see Priscilla was raised in a world that was not set up to accommodate her natural fabulousness.

Priscilla: "Naw sugah, you need to sit back and let me tell you about where I'm from! Introduce me, okay?"

Fairy Godmother: "Ladies and gentlemen it is my great honor and esteemed pleasure to welcome you to the mellifluous rant of one Ms. Priscilla DeeJenee Perkins. A rant featuring emotionally charged poetry set to liturgical dancing and rhythmic gymnastics. The Perkins Times (the family newsletter) described it as "uproariously entertaining while never failing to be touchingly poignant". Excessive adverbs don't lie my dears, she is truly something to behold!"

Daddy and Mama Perkins have gathered in the audience with a camera and a bowl of popcorn and clap politely while Priscilla performs.

Priscilla: "They've always been my biggest supporters."

Mama Perkins: "Ever since she was a little girl our Priscilla has wanted to be on tv!"

Daddy Perkins: "Yes that's right. I remember when she was a just a toddler instead of a playhouse she had us cut up a cardboard box to look like a tv set. She even turned this little shed of mine into its own little theater!

Priscilla has always been inventive when it came to promoting her dreams. Unfortunately said dreams are dashed by one of the most important avenues of Hollywood success.

Priscilla: "Location, location, location. When Mama and Daddy decided to retire from the traveling vaudeville circuit they made their move to Omaha, Nebraska."

We see a film strip behind Priscilla showcasing the first three years of her childhood.

Priscilla: "As you can see, I was a lovely, vivrant child and already prepared to take over the world."

Mama Perkins: "She was such a special girl, she used to cut her Barbie's hair and put it in her own hair like weave, such a special child."

Fairy Godmother: "Yes, you were festive from a young age, but school children can be cruel can't they? And they learn to punish and not reward diversity."

Priscilla: "Yes Fairy Godmother! I was teased and picked on endlessly, one mean little girl spread a rumor that I stuck crayons up my whonanny and then used them to paint pictures!"

Daddy Perkins: Oh Priscilla sweetheart, I'm so sorry such things ever happened to you! Your mama and I tried to protect you as much as we could."

Mama & Daddy Perkins were the best most nurturing, most genteel parents in the world. They had personalities that lit up any room they ventured into yet they always made sure never to outshine their children when on display. They were affectionate and understanding and the kind of parents you never ever wanted to disappoint.

Priscilla: "Don't worry Daddy, I know you and Mama did your very best, and when you weren't around, my fairy godmother helped me."

Priscilla and I have been partners in crime for nearly 20 years now. I was assigned to her when she was three, and decided to stay as long as she believed I was there.

Priscilla: "Fairy Godmother gave me strength and enough perseverance to realize that though I was shunned then, I had a fabulous future in store! After the incident my family decided to pack our bags and head to Trashland."

Daddy Perkins: It's Ashland baby, and it's very nice.

Priscilla: And it's very small, and the people here are trashy.

Mama Perkins: They just rural baby! Good folks that have always been kind to us. There were no more bullies once we got here, none like that awful little girl, I wonder whatever happened to her?

Priscilla smiles a bit and looks at me.

Priscilla: "Oh, umm, I'm not sure exactly..."

She was a stripper now and a fat one with three kids, a dead end Walmart job and a husband who was "secretly" homosexual. Hmm, I know it's not nice to gloat, but bad people deserve bad things, it's only fair.

Priscilla: "Anyhow, after this long journey through mediocrity and manure I finally have a chance to become a star."

Daddy Perkins: "..."

Mama Perkins: "..."

Fairy Godmother: "..."

Priscilla: "Someone needs to ask me so I can announce it properly! I can't just tell you, there's no suspense there!"

Our Priscilla has always been a sucker for presentation. She hid in a closet for 16 hours on her 12th birthday waiting for someone to introduce her. When her parents finally caught on they made sure to make an especially big deal of it for her trouble and firecrackers accompanied her entrance. It was quite the show.

Fairy Godmother: "Oh yes, right. Umm, ahem Priscilla my darling, wonderkind and impetuous arteur? Please enlighten us with the magical and glorious details of your endeavor!"

Priscilla: "Well Fairy Godmother and parents, I have two words that will change my life forever... are you ready?"

Mama and Daddy Perkins nod excitedly while Priscilla sets the mood. She dims the light ordering a spot directly in front and above her. The influx of light creates a lovely silhouette on the wall behind her. Through fluid movement and 16 years of gymnastics, pilates, and yoga training she forms the shape of a crosshair and whispers dramatically into the microphone.

Priscilla: "X... Factor..."

Mama and Daddy Perkins applaud lovingly and are nearly beside themselves with glee.

Mama Perkins: "Oh Priscilla baby that is genius! And so perfect for you!"

It really and truly was. I'm sure many of you have heard of "X-Factor", but for those of you who haven't I implore you to start watching, that way you'll know what everyone is talking about the next day. It's a delightful program where kids from all across the country come on one big stage and perform just for you. You decide who you like the best and you vote for them, simple as that.

Now normally accolades are reserved for the winner and occasionally the runner up. This past year though, the show added a reality segment that runs five nights a week and gives you a look into the personal lives of the contestants. Many an acting star has been culled simply from these airings, so as long as you made sure to get in the Top 10, you were guaranteed success!

Daddy Perkins: "That's perfect! When are the auditions, honey? And where will they be?"

Priscilla: "They are in two weeks in Omaha! Can you believe it?"

Fairy Godmother: "Priscilla darling I've never been more excited for you, we must start rehearsal immediately!"

Mama Perkins: "Wait baby, first we need to celebrate! How about we take the entire family and go to the carnival this evening?"

Priscilla can barely maintain herself as she begins to hop up and down. Next to stardom, carnivals were her most favorite thing.

Priscilla: "The rides, the attractions, the cotton candy oh yum! I'll go round up the kids and you get Grammy and Pappy Perkins!"

And round up we did. One of the reasons the Perkins were so well known in the area was because there were so many of them. There was Priscilla - the oldest, Penelope - the most beautiful, Paul & Peter - the twins du mischief, Poppy - the original, Pax - the religious fanatic (and very well read at only seven years of age), and Percival - the baby. Add to this mix Grammy and Pappy Perkins (legends in their own time) and you had a Parcel of Perkins ready to take on the world.

~''**)(**''~

The next portion of this fairy tale begins at the carnival. It seems like a normal family celebratory outing, everyone is dressed in coordinating colors to appear fashionable and easy to find should they get separated. They are all in good spirits and ready to enjoy the feasts of the evening. We knew a wonderful time was in store, but what we didn't know was this particular carnival was a particularly special carnival. Now before you debated my very existence. If it is hard for you to believe in the simplistic beauty of a Fairy Godmother then I implore you to continue no further for the rest of this tale will certainly confound you.

~''**)(**''~

The carnival was originally ran by a roving troupe called The Glaucestioneers. They were a faux-British company that put on the most elegantly rustic of affairs. Turkey legs dripping in juices, jousting contests, beautiful princesses and dashing knights roamed the grounds lending an ambiance of the old world. The ambiance remained the same but little did we know the company was bought and taken over by Wishes Fulfilled Industries. Everything seemed to be the same, but something was strangely different, Priscilla noticed immediately.

Priscilla: "Mama, can't you usually see the strings when the fairies fly overhead?"

We all looked up as the magical fairies above us sprinkled us with magical pixie dust upon our arrival. They seemed to be actually flying and the pixie dust seemed to disappear into thin air instead of fall as confetti to the ground.

Grammy Perkins: "Back in my day we had full body length harnesses! We used to look like little cocoons flying cross the air, oh technology is a wonderful thing indeed."

Priscilla nodded but in her heart she knew something magical was happening and she was determined to find out what.

Priscilla: "Mama, Daddy, do you mind if we split up and go look around?"

Mama Perkins: "Not at all baby, remember to buddy up!"

Grammy and Poppy Perkins go to the penny show to watch whatever silent film is playing. They notice the piano player in the movie matches the music they're hearing and marvel at the piano player in front of them who is not only playing the exact notes, but looks just like the man in the film. Just like him.

Penelope takes Percival to the hall of mirrors so she can admire herself and Percy can be entertained by the reflections. Penelope was too busy looking at herself, but Percy noticed that sometimes the reflections moved even when Penelope didn't.

Paul and Peter (who are virtually inseparable) take Poppy (the Original) to the circus tent where the announcers are dressed as animals. The costumes are so lifelike that Paul and Peter could swear they almost seem real. Poppy (the Original) is too distracted by the clowns being stuffed into the cannon. She notices there is no net and wonders where the clowns will go and how will they land?

Our Priscilla takes young Pax to their favorite section of the carnival. The hall of mystery! The hall of mystery features old costumes, exhibits and games that cost only a penny to play. Priscilla enjoyed the whimsy and Pax enjoyed being able to afford something on his meager allowance. The two make their way and laugh as a music box played its tune even before Pax put in his penny. Being the good God fearing young man he is, he put his penny in anyway. Priscilla nodded at him proudly and petted his head as he laughed and danced with the music. They marvelled at the machines that came to life before them and seemed to follow them around the room. Little robots glided across the straw floor narrowly missing little cars that crossed their path. Pax ran after them with glee as Priscilla gazed at a very peculiar game in front of her.

Pax: "Prissy what you see?"

Pax pressed his nose to the glass causing his own glasses to make a pitch perfect "clink" as he stared into the eyes of the genie inside. Priscilla pulled Pax back and hugged him to her.

Priscilla: "I don't know Paxy, it looks like a Fortune Teller machine, wanna see if it works?"

Pax: "I don't know Prissy, something seems weird about it."

Priscilla: "I know, that's what makes it great! I'll tell you what, I'll even use my nickel. Read me the instructions, kay?"

Pax nods and sounds out the instructions pasted on the plaque in front.

Pax: "1. Place a nick-el into the slot and then turn the han-del."

Priscilla places a brand new shiny nickel into the slot and turns the handle. After some gear shifting and grinding the machination comes to life and the genie head becomes so lifelike it almost seems animated.

Pax: " 2. The genie will ask you for one wish, tell the genie the wish and wait for it to come true."

The machine starts to shake and jump and the lights illuminate the entire room.

Genie: "PRISCILLA PERKINS, WHAT IS IT YOU DESIRE?"

Priscilla is too far gone to notice the genie somehow knew her name, Pax doesn't notice either as he tries to sound out the next part of the instructions.

Pax: "Prissy wait, there's more here, it says to be careful what you wish for, because the wish will come true beyond your most wild ima- imag- in..."

Priscilla: "Pax, shhh... Dear Genie, I am ready to make my wish. I wish I could be in television, to be a star. I want that more than anything else in the world, to be a part of my favorite shows."

Genie: "AND SO YOUR WISH WILL BE GRANTED. BEYOND YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATIONS!"

Pax: "Imaginations! That's what it is! Prissy I learned a new word! Prissy?"

Pax looks back behind him for his sister but she's gone!

Pax: "Prissy? Where did you go? You're my buddy Prissy, stop it! Prissy?"

Pax takes a look at the plaque and notices something in very fine print.

Pax: "Warning, ex-he-cush-un of wishes is most lite-er-al and as such should be worded in a suck ink manner."

Pax didn't know what that meant, but he knew that Priscilla would never just leave him, and that he should probably get Mama or Daddy Perkins to help him. Pax is a very astute little boy. As Pax leaves to go find his parents, Priscilla embarks on the ride of her life. It is so thrilling she passes out from pure duress.

When she awakens, well children, that's where our story truly begins.

Woman's Voice: "Honey! Honey wake up! Gosh, the only time I usually get chocolate in bed is on my birthday!"

There's a loud laughter from nowhere as Priscilla comes to and sees a slightly familiar woman standing over her.

Priscilla: "Huh? What? Where am I? Who are you?"

Karen: "Honey I'm Karen Walker and I'm fabulous!

(Applause and WHOO's)

Karen: "And you're either a very fun gift from Stan to get me in the mood or you're a burglar. Either way I'm feeling a little frisky!"

(Laughter & Applause)

Grace Adler appears from the right in a rush.

Grace: "Karen, what's going on? Who's that? You usually only get chocolate in bed on your birthday!"

(Laughter)

Priscilla: "Wait, Karen.. Walker? Grace Adler? As in Will & Grace?"

Karen: "Why yes honey, how do you know Will? Oh, are you boring too?"

(Appl-

Priscilla: "No! I-"

Karen: *whispers through clenched teeth* "Wait for the applause to finish Honey!"

-ause)

Karen: "Now go!"

Priscilla: "Oh, well, umm, no! I'm fabulous, and Priscilla, my name is Priscilla. The last thing I remember is wishing I could be on tv and now... oh my. Oh no, FAIRY GODMOTHER!"

Jack McFarland: You rang?!

(LOUD Applause and WHOO's!)

On the next Priscilla: Queen of the Networks, Priscilla finds out what happened and works out a way to get back before the X-Factor auditions. Of course, not before getting into some shenanigans on Will & Grace.