The road to Heaven is littered with forks of lives past lived. That is a personal quote by myself Rodney Johns. Who is Rodney Johns? Me, I am Rodney Johns. I don't feel the need to really provide much of an introduction because you should already know who I am. Though I know the documentary field has been saturated by the likes of Michael Moore and... that guy who ate all the fast food, I find my unique brand of documenting American life is wholly unique and speaks for itself. You may remember me from such documentaries as Pretty Whoa Men!: Transsexual Prostitution on the Rise, On the Down Law: The Rise of the Homosexual Lawyer, and Grabbed by the Balls: The Posh & Bex Unauthorized Biography featuring no live footage, but instead paparazzi still montages. Some called it a cheap ploy, but it was an innovative means around some unexpected barricades.
I haven't won any awards because I refuse to acknowledge the award system. Basically Hollywood only supports those who bow down and I -Rodney Johns- will not be one that bows down to Hollywood. I was all set to take them on when a new project and a cease and desist letter fell into my lap.
Remember being a child, remember having parents, and on certain days they would specifically make you go to church? Well I do, sort of, well, not really that well, but my cousin Stacey knows it very well and she's the one who gave me the idea, so perhaps I'll let her take over?
Stacey: You don't know nothin' cause you a heathen! Full of the devil!
Rodney: Shut up Stacey! I'm a successful director-
Stacey: Whatever, I was just playing with you, dang! Anyhow I go to God is the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness and my Mama has me in church every single second of the day. It almost gets to be like a second home.
Rodney: Show them the Schedule!
Stacey: Oh, okay, here:
Sun: 9am - Sunday School, 11am - Morning Worship, 6pm - YPWW (Young People Willing Workers), 7pm - Evening Service/Communion
Mon: 7pm - Choir Practice
Tue: 6pm - Usher Board Meeting, 7pm - Home & Foreign Mission
Wed: Free day mostly, unless there was a special practice for Youth Day every third Sunday in the month
Thur: 6pm - Sunshine Band rehearsal (little kids), 7pm - Children of the Kingdom rehearsal (juniors), 8pm - Step chain/liturgical dance, etc
Fri: 7pm - Friday Night Service
Sat: 6am - Morning Prayer
Rodney: Dang girl, you was in church all that time- I mean, ahem, that's a lot of time to spend in another place that is not your original home, I'm sure you felt almost a familial kinship with the rest of those awful children.
Stacey: I know, and that's not even counting shut-ins, anniversary planning, midnight musicals, dinners and fundraisers, everything. A lot of people think I'm some goody two shoes because of it, but a lot of folks don't really know what goes down in the life of church kids.
Rodney: This is where I come in.
Stacey: Uh, yeah. Rodney said that he would follow us on a few trips and record them and then really show people what's up.
Rodney: And so I did. I followed them on several church trips, we traveled to Denver, Chicago, and Dallas respectively while I taped every facet of their vacation. There were expected things, and contradictorily there were also surprises.
Stacey: What?
Rodney: Before we embark on our endeavor let's take a moment to meet the people involved.
GitR: COGIC-H:
Stacey
Stacey seems to be the protagonist. (Stacey: Seems?) She's quiet, except when she's trying to get your attention. She's kind of the gel, the Monica if you will (Stacey: Did you just reference Friends? Rodney: You knew the reference so shut it!). She's a good girl but sometimes she gets involved in things she shouldn't (Stacey: Like this? Rodney: Quit playing or I'll tell Aunt Leora! Stacey: You're going to tell on me?).
Calvin
Calvin and Stacey grew up together and went to the same school, they're basically brother and sister. Calvin's little brother is Daniel, they are both the Deacon's sons. Calvin is the oldest but treats all the kids like his best friends. He's a cool guy but sometimes he has a temper.
Daniel
Daniel is a thug whose appeal lies in his personality. He's very light complected and likes to have fun with that at the expense of others (Stacey: It's hilarious). He's a trouble maker and a jokester all in one, which means he gets away with far too much crap.
LeAndrew
LeAndrew is the hunk, and no as a heterosexual documentary director I don't feel uncomfortable saying that (Stacey: What?). He's a strapping young man with mesmerizing eyes (Stacey: Really? You sure about that? Rodney: You're so homophobic. Stacey: You're so homosexu- Rodney: Shut UP! Stacey: You gonna get enough of telling me to shut up!) and a strong personality. He has a hard veneer, but he's actually very sensitive and responds to passion (Stacey: Oh my God!) with a sensitivity all his own. He's very... (Stacey: Sensitive? Wanna use that one again? How about "unique"?) enigmatic and the romantic center to our tale.
LaTonya
LaTonya is the C in Stacey and LeAndrew's A&B conversation. (Stacey: I couldn't stand her back then. Rodney: I thought you two were best friends? Stacey: We had to be because we were the same age, it was convenient. But she kept trying to take my man. Rodney: Trying? Cause I think she did and- Stacey: Yeah, yeah, I know. Rodney: Oh... sorry. Stacey: Whatever, who's next?)
Wynette & William
These are LeAndrew's cousins and Stacey's unintentional arch nemesis. Of sorts I should say. Stacey really doesn't have any issues with either one of them, but their mother always tries to pit them against one another. Usually Stacey comes out ahead, but not necessarily because she's the Mary Sue of this tale, but because- (Stacey: Show don't tell Rodney), well, you'll see.
Rodney: Every trip also includes children from GitR: COGIC-H's sister church Jesus is Also the Rock Church of God in Christ Holiness Revival (Stacey: Gotta love it, right?). These kids will be introduced as we go along though there are two very important components which we'll tell you about now.
JiAtR: COGIC-Hr Crew:
Keely
Keely is Stacey's best out of town friend. They grew up together and are basically play cousins. She too had a fling with LeAndrew but Stacey didn't mind because she wasn't feeling him at the time (Stacey: Gotta love being 12 and fickle.). The two have always gotten along.
Jason is, well Stacey, who is Jason (Stacey: Jason's.. umm. Jason is kind of... It wasn't really that he was the fallback guy, as much as he was the fallback guy (Rodney:... Stacey: Rodney! Rodney: That's cold blooded. Stacey: That don't make it untrue. Don't look at me like that! Rodney: Y'all women is scandalous). Jason is a poor soul indeed.
There are also the adult supervisors, mostly parents and other members coming along for the ride. The most notable appear below.
Adults:
Mother Sims: The church's mother has a penchant for singing old spirituals and praising God. She was the church's babysitter and basically potty trained and disciplined the seed of the congregation (Stacey: Grossness aside, that's true. Mother Sims knew how to make us pick a switch and stop peeing in our pants. She's a very sweet lady. Rodney: She sounds mean. Stacey: I prefer not to remember it that way. Rodney: Why? Did she give PTSD? Stacey: Nope, not her, but the next adult...)
Sis. Campbell: (Rodney: Why are you shivering? Stacey: Sis. Campbell was scary. She was the lady your parents sent you to when you needed to be spanked or taught a lesson, she invoked utter terror. And not the good "when I look back at this in 20 years I'll be thankful" terror, but the "OMG why is she so mean?!" terror. And her kids were mean too!) Well, that's pretty much all you need to know about Sis. Campbell for now.
Aunt Bea
(Stacey: Aunt Bea!) Aunt Bea is Sis. Campbell's aunt and Keely's mother. She was the sunshine to Sis Campbell's storm cloud. She worked closely with the youth and used a more hands on (Stacey: Less crazy and scary and mean) approach when dealing with the kids that they always responded well to.
We will follow this group of travelers and a few others as they travel across the country (Stacey: You have such a way with words Rodney. Rodney: Thank you. Anyhow...) as they embark on umm, holy adventures in odyssey (Stacey: WHAT?) all from the perspective of our protagonist Church Girl (Stacey: That's me!).
Next time on Church Girl Chronicles, Stacey and the crew head to Denver, Co. Stacey conquers her fear of Ferris Wheels, Calvin and Daniel get lost in a mirror maze while Mother Sims prays to get them out, and someone does something scandalous (Rodney: You like that? I think it adds suspense! Stacey: You're an idiot).
