Haiku Tuesdays With Brett!

f. The illustrious Brett Jenkins

withered tree branches

look

like

the

bony

arms

of elderly women

this is the sadness

of the egg mcmuffin-

you eat it and it's gone.

Where's Down Low?

It's that time again again kiddies! Don't these puzzles seem easier and easier when you do more of them? If only real life was such a joy....

CAN YOU FIND HIM?!

Haiku Tuesdays With Brett

f. Hostess of the Haiku: Brett Jenkins



why hasn't america
tried to take over the world
with robots?











"beep beep boop boop boop beep boop."


i know every word to this techno song.

Getting To Know Me:

Or what happens when due to increased business Sticky is unable to fill a slot in her lineup. Seriously, this last week has brought a windfall of activity and we will return to our regularly scheduled programs as soon I surface this capsize that is called life.

Anyhoo, last night I was watching quite the delightful program on YouTube and was treated to an uplifting and fulfilling discussion about bi-polar disorder. No this is not a cry out for help but instead a story of my youth, for you see when I was a child (before I put away childish things for permanent) I adopted quite the unusual affliction of involuntary word replacement.

Now, when I tell you this I must stress that it is in no way trying to make light of bi-polarism because it's quite the serious disease, but rather a fun story about words and the world around us.

For a very long time, when I heard the word bi-polar, I immediately thought of the word bicostal, which is mostly slang for those who inhabit two coasts whether it be Londor/NY, or NY/LA or what have you and it was usually due to work or vast riches. Soon however, it began to take on a definition of being synonymous with bisexuality "living on both coasts" you see. Yes, extremely clever I know.

So one day I was driving around with the my friend who was telling the story of her bipolar sister,

"Oh my God she's insane. She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president or ending world hunger and then she completely bails on them and cries in a corner for days. Then she'll take her meds for a while and be fine, but as soon as she gets off of them she's right back to being crazy, and our mom is bipolar too so it makes my life miserable."

Now, as a tale of the throes of manic depression this is quite a sadly usual tale, however, as in the mind of someone who has equated bi-polar with bi-costal and bisexual, it's quite harrowing indeed!

"She gets these crazy ideas in her head like running for president and ending world hunger..."

Liking girls makes you want to be president? I thought inwardly (thankfully) as my friend continued her tale.

"She would completely bail on them and then cry in the corner for days!"

Well I would cry too if I had aspirations for presidency and they just fell out from under me. Like, not only could I not be president, but I would also be gay. Like, I'd have the chance to be the first gay president, and it would just be gone. Like, I get why this entire thing is weird, but why would crying about it be any weirder?

"She'll take her meds for a while..."

Lesbianism requires meds?

"But as soon as she's off them she's right back to being crazy!"

Perhaps the medicine is because she's naturally crazy, but what does that have to do with her being gay?

"Our mom is bi-polar too..."

Still? Does their dad know she's sleeping around with women? Her mom never seemed like the kind of woman that would sleep around, but maybe if they have an arrangement of some sort...


And I thought this for the next two years until someone else started to tell of their experiences with bi-polar disorder and actually went to the lengths to explain it. I never admitted to either of them I had no idea what they were talking about, but it's a story I've carried with me forever.
So remember children, ask questions, but never make assumptions, or you might end up telling your friend not to be so hard on her experimenting sister who fancies both genders.


Back to your regularly scheduled programming very soon.

Where's Down Low?

The whole concept of "Down Low" is one that sickens me. Seriously, if you want to be gay be gay, you want to be straight with a wife and kids, be straight with a wife and kids, but the two should not mix (umm, unless there's a spoken or written agreement between all the parties invo- you know what? NO!).

The other side of the equation is how this effects gay men. Those who are out and openly proud being forced to scramble down fire escapes or pretending they're the daft pizza boys.

What's a man looking for an honest man to do? How can we suss out which men are going to be faithful and which are going to try to pass you off as their long lost cousin from Poughkeepsie who just wanted a really long hug?

You can help their wives by pointing out the signs to them. I've created a little game below to identify which side of the line the man you both crave walks. If you can find the man in the picture, odds are he's yearning for some manly lovin'.

Can You Find Him?

Haiku Tuesdays With Brett

F. Brett Jenkins, poet extraordinaire.

bears will eat children
flesh and teeth all asunder
crying for their moms

...---***---***---...

a pair of squirrels on the chase.

maybe they're in love
or maybe they're nuts

Rejected Show Pitches con...

While selecting the three shows to premiere for the site I found myself having to cast several ideas by the wayside. Though they are inventive, unique shows, I felt that some either wouldn't have the longevity needed, or simply weren't up to par.

I'm sure the selection process will interest you as much as it did me so I've decided to share a couple of the rejectees with you today. Maybe someday these ideas will see the light of day, but hopefully not...

Mixed Endings

We take happy endings and twist them to reflect real life situations.

Sample: Nice Looking Lady

A now dolled up prostitute enters into the same high end boutique that
rejected her business the last time she was there.

Shop assistant: Hello, can I help you?

Vivi Anne: I was in here yesterday, you wouldn't wait on me.

Shop assistant: Oh.

Vivi Anne: You people work on commission, right?

Shop assistant: Yeah.

Vivi Anne: Well... good call! Man, I was going to use the credit card that my john gave me and turns out that thing was maxed out! Then they had to indict him on federal charges for embezzlement or some bull like that, so your preconceived notion of me being poor trash was dead on child. I had to get this dress from Old Navy on sale!

(Another shopper looks Vivi Anne up and down)

Customer: You got that at Old Navy?

Vivi Anne: Yes girl, it was on sale too so I only had to pay like $15.

Customer: Oh my goodness, for $15 that's fabulous!

Vivi Anne: Right? And they gave me a coupon, you want one?

Rejected: High end boutiques be hatin'

Hermione and Ron's Amazing Technicolor Hollywood Adventures

f. Monk Seal

Monk Seal: Does she have a borken . button? Broken "." Button even

me: Nope she just thinks she's deep or something and not deeply incompacitated mentally

Monk Seal: Altho Borken Button would be an awesome Harry Potter name

me: That would be nice

Even the whole thing

Altho Borken Bottun
just to mix things up

Monk Seal: Nah for Harry Potter one of them has to be a real word
It's the "Made Up Word : Real Word" school of naming

me: Gotcha Altho Borken Button it is
You should Creative Commons it
And then sell it to JK

Monk Seal: Well tis too late now

me: SPINOFF!

Monk Seal: She's finished

me: So says she, heh

Monk Seal: Hermione moves to the WestCoast to start acting career?
And find love?

me: Yep, with Ron Weasley as her best friend/secret admirer
They've dealt with goblins and drago0ns
but can they deal with MGM studio heads?!
all rights reserved naturally

Monk Seal: Those wacky network executives
I know I can really relate

me: I'd like to think if Hermoine and Ron can, then you certainly can

Monk Seal: Maybe they'll have a wacky agent
I'm thinking...
Special Guest Star Katie Hopkins

me: You should write a sample for me, Hermoine trying to get a no nudity clause in her contract, Dr. Button helping them along the way. I could do it, but I don't know Potter speak

Rejected: You saw the chat, right? I have no idea what I'm talking about.

The Charming Electrician

A friendly charming electrician fixes his appliances not with technical skill but with sweetness and grace.

Sample: Toaster Roast

Mrs. Smith: Oh Mr. Charming, my toaster won't work. When I put a piece of bread in there it spurts and sparks and causes all manner of havoc! I don't know what to do!

Mr. Charming: Don't worry Mrs. Smith, I'll fix it so it's working perfectly. Can you give us a little time alone?

Mrs. Smith: Oh, well, okay! Sure. I'll be in the living room if you need anything!

Mr. Charming waits until Mrs. Smith has exited the room, then he begins to work his magic.

Mr. Charming: Hey Toaster, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are...?


Rejected: No, just... no.


Gay Celeb Matchup

First Ep: Skin Anansie & Me'Shell Ndegeocello




Me'Shell and Skin hit it off bonding over a love of Veganism, social justice, and Beyonce's jelly. We follow them through the LA underground as they enlighten and entice onlookers with their anarchist leanings and their awesome lesbian rock vibe.

Me'Shell: The only fur you should wear is me baby.

Skin: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Rejected: Oddly very little love. After Bravo passed we stopped shopping it, because really? Bravo passing on reality gay TV means no one wants it. They must be racist. Sigh...

Where's Down Low?

The whole concept of "Down Low" is one that sickens me. Seriously, if you want to be gay be gay, you want to be straight with a wife and kids, be straight with a wife and kids, but the two should not mix (umm, unless there's a spoken or written agreement between all the parties invo- you know what? NO!).

For some reason though, with the installation of "Down Low" parties and the creation of the phrase "Down Low" in general, I think it's becoming a tad too urban and almost cool.

What's a lady looking for a man to do? How can we suss out which men are going to be faithful and which are going to stray with the pizza boy or some random hook up from the Craig's List NSA section?

Well no need to fear my dears, I've created a little game to help you identify whether or not your man is on the Down Low. If you can find your man in the picture, than you should be pretty sure that he's trying to bat for both teams behind your back.

**photos by TROOFIRE, someone who understand the beauty of the black gay male, NSFW

Can You Find Him?!

Rejected Show Pitches

While selecting the three shows to premiere for the site (first pilot appears tomorrow!) I found myself having to cast several ideas by the wayside. Though there are some inventive, unique shows in mind, I felt that some either wouldn't have the longevity needed, or simply weren't up to par.

I'm sure the selection process will interest you as much as it did me so I've decided to share a couple of the rejectees with you today. Maybe someday these ideas will see the light of day, but hopefully not...

Pallet
Schizophrenic pre-op transexual detective becomes a serial killer and then dedicates their life to finding the killer.

Sample:
Intro: Davina Brown stars into a cracked mirror inside a seedy apartment in Downtown Miami.

"He thinks he can hide from me? I'm Davina Brown, the finest this city has ever seen and the classiest broad this street has ever known. He can't hide from me, I'll find him, and I'll put him away."

"Stop talking about your dick, Davina! I'm going to the store, you need anything?"

"It's detective Ron! He's a detective that's on the lam. When we find him, we find out who committed this terrible crime. Jesus Christ Ron, do you have any ibuprofen, my head is.. it's killing me, gahhhh!" Davina falls into the floor convulsing in pain.

"You'll never find me Davina, not without finding yourself..."

"Who is that? Who's there- ahhhhh!" Davina passes out in a cold sweat. Seconds later her eyes open looking around the room and taking in her surroundings. A small devious smile crosses her lips and a twinkle glints in her eye.

"At least this chick's got good taste in drapes."

Rejected:

Alexis Arquette was unavailable. For some reason...

If You Know What I Mean

A Show of Innuendo

Sample:

John: So Barbie, do you want me to go get your mail for you, if you know what I mean?

Barbie: Whoa ho ho! I sure do know what you mean! Maybe while you're out there you could put my outgoing mail into your slot... if you know what I mean?

John: Ooh you minx! Well you know the postman only delivers once a day, but I can check it as many times as you like, if you know what I mean!

Barbie: Ooh, check it baby, check it hard! Put some prepaid postage on it! YES! PACKAGE WEIGHT if you know what I mean!

John: Oh GOD!

Rejected:










Self explanatory

Life blogging: Taking your online life offline

Sample: Office Space

"Well no Mr. Johnson, L-O-L! I think your idea is quite dumb and- wait, delete delete delete. I think your idea is quite inspired yet unrealistic.

"What's that Mr. Turner, you want to know what I thought of Mr. Johnson's idea? Well I just told Mrs. Cross yesterday, let me copy you what I said to her, ctl-c, ctl-v. CU L8R!

"Oh emm gee Sarah, that's hilarious! Pardon me while I roll on the floor laughing my black ass off!"

Rejected:









ASCPA/PETA issues with execution of cat macros.



I Fell In Love with a Gay Man!
Exploitation-esque sequences on how to get what you can't have.

Sample: Obsession For Men.. Who Love Men: Establishing Behaviors and Getting to Know Your Gay.

"Did you know I have mom issues?"

"Mom issues? Really? Wow, a gay man with mom issues, and I'm sure they're special unique butterfly mom issues."

"They are. My mom went through the greater part of her life thinkiing her next reincarnation would be that of the ancient Egyptian Butterfly pharaonominus fancicillus. She gave me the middle name Chrysallis. When I was four she swaddled me in rosin for six days and wouldn't feed, bathe, or heed my cries claiming that if she helped me escape the cocoon it would make me weak and I would die. Social services was called in and I was adopted for a short time by a Mexican Federale who would become my mother's lesbian lover."

"Huh. I- I guess that would qualify as special unique butterfly mother issues."

"They're actually indigenous to Asia, but there's a special strain in the heart of the Congo, where my soul lives."

"That's so beautiful!"

"You're a really good listener."

"Would you like to move in together?"

Sample: How to tell him you don't want to bone him without hurting his feelings thus making you unattainable, sympathetic, and desirable.

"Honey look, I think you're handsome. I do, I really do. It's just that... I'm not attracted to you. Like, well, you know how you feel about girls? That's... that's pretty much how I feel about you. Yes, I normally find men attractive, but, well, you've seen my ideal man, right? Okay, this is going off track. Alright, would I be adverse to seeing you in a man sandwich? No! In fact I think that little bit of dysfunction would only serve to strengthen our bond, do I want to be the tomato in that sandwich? Well, honey you know how I feel about tomatoes...

You want to move in tomorrow?"

Rejected:

It works... too well. Unexpected flack from PFLAG and GLAAD, and bad press due to Scientology affiliation. Regardless the book is the number one underground seller.